Bloody hell, for the second time in as many years I can say I've written a topical blog...
"It's Christmas!" yelled woolly-haired tartan-botherer Nobert "Noddy" Holder on his seminal Yuletide song with the backwards S. For a couple of weeks a year he's right as well, as all that is correct and right-thinking in life is replaced by tinsel and minature toy snowmen who grind their hips to the electronic tinkling of Jingle Bells.
Back in the good old days, Christmas number one was worth listening out for. It wasn't necessarily a christmassy song, but it was a genuine attempt to achieve top spot, and it meant something if you managed it. These days, it's all bloody X-Idol and Pop Factor and the like, meaning the number one is sewn up as early as August, when middle-aged women from Glasgow are murdering a Motown classic in front of a startled Louis Walsh. To say it was a cynical marketing ploy for each year's contest to end just before Christmas would be something of an understatement. Unfortunately, as long as there are vaccuous people with nothing better to do than watch dozens of personality-challenged cretins warble the latest hits in their own adolescent style, I'm afraid we're stuck with it.
Anyroad, that's not the nub of my rant, although the above phenomemna has given rise to my latest festive irk. This year's hotly-tipped number one is a cover of the Lenoard Cohen song "Hallelujah" by whichever pop drone won this blasted Factor competition. As you can imagine, it's like shit in a field at the moment; every regional and national station is playing it at 25-minute intervals to ensure we rush to our local record stockist and push it to the top of the Hit Parade.
There's a problem with it, though. It's shit.
My preferred version of the song is by Rufus Wainwright, which is achingly beautiful. Low-key singing and simple piano backing give it it's unique quality, and it's a welcome addition to any programme which is trying to force an emotional response from its viewers. Now, I'm not saying that is the only acceptable version of the tune, but I'm afraid this poppette's offering has slightly spolit it for me. It starts off alright, with the same low-key vocals and simple backing, but after a couple of verses she's like "Forget this, let's take it to town". All of a sudden there's banging drums, a screeching choir and Bonnie Tyler-style power ballading all over the shop. From the sublime to the ridiculous in seconds, as the entire ambiance and feeling of the record is blown out of the water in favour of fist-clenching and giving it large. Shambolique, as the French might say.
To make matters worse (if that was possible), she then decides to do that annoying thing that some supposed vocalists do, where they stick ten different notes on the end of some words, as if they're trying to put their own inimitable slant on the sound. All you're doing love is over-complicating a song which needs to be kept simple to get its message across. Your high-necked warbling is ruining it for everyone, so knock it off.
That Leona Lewis is the same. Fit, albeit slightly lion-faced, but her verion of Snow Patrol's 'Run' is awful. Yes, she is note-perfect and as good technically as a singer is able to be, but she injects no passion whatsoever into her performance, and she's changing notes left, right and centre. Listen to the original; Gary Lightbody sounds broken and vulnerable which makes the lyrics work and the song make sense. Lewis has ripped all of the pathos out of it in one fell swoop, leaving an empty, pointless and forgettable version. Lightbody may have made a packet in royalties, but I bet he winces when he hears one of his finest works being ripped to shreds by someone who's only been in the business five minutes.
In conclusion, there's nothing wrong with cover versions. Indeed, a lot of the Live Lounge stuff when an act recreates a well-known song with a different muscial slant is great, but you've got to pick your songs with care. Some songs are good because of how they are performed, not because of who's singing them. So think on, Cowell...
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
Thursday, 11 December 2008
It shouldn't happen to...a blogging legend
A while ago I made the conscious decision to stop writing blogs about colleagues. On one hand, my job had changed slightly which meant I no longer got to fraternise with the sort of people who made blogging worthwhile in the first place. On the other hand, biting the hand that feeds you by slagging them off online does pose something of a conflict of interests, so I bit the bullet and started concentrating on my Kerry Katona hatred instead.
However, yesterday an event occurred at work which was so blogworthy that as it was still taking place, I was already thinking of a suitable title when I inevitably posted it online. So here goes.
At my place of work, we are able to buy stock directly from the company. It's a simple procedure which ends with us paying the balance to a suitably-elected member of staff who sits in his dreary office, crossing us off as we pay up. The office in question is cosy at best, meaning you're practically on top of him when you pop in with your hard-earned.
As usual, an announcement was made on the PA system that shop money was being collected, so I grabbed my invoice, chequebook and lucky pen and made my way to his office. As I approached, he had an unusual look on his face. A sort, of "Blimey, I didn't think anyone would be here that quick" sort of look. I'm sure you know the one.
Now, my record for paying for stock in a timely fashion is not exactly stellar. It's not that I'm tight, I just seem to never get round to it (I've been put on stop on more than one occasion as a result). I therefore suspected that the look on his face was more of a "Blimey, I didn't expect HIM to be here that quick". As I walked in, I began to explain that yes, I was in fact paying on time for a change. As I was explaining this, a strange smell began to invade my nostrils. I concluded my monologue, instinctively drew back from the as-yet unknown smell and waited for a response.
This is what I got.
"I knew somebody would walk in just after I'd farted"
Dear God. Now, I consider myself pretty quick on the draw words-wise, but I was totally stumped by this situation. I opted to pretend I hadn't yet smelt it, then suddenly picked it up and backed out of the room. Being a man in his late-40's, I expected an embarrassed, almost apologetic response. Instead, the next thing he said was:
"It's a corker, innit?!"
All I could muster was a gobsmacked nod, before I departed at speed (it transpired that I had to pay this particular bill to someone else, thank fuck).
The thing is, this guy actually KNEW people would shortly be visiting his office. It was him who asked for the announcement to be made to pay their bills in the first place, so he can't have been surprised when someone turned up within a minute or so. You have to wonder about his checklist when he decides to collect payments:
"Right, I'll put out the announcement first....puts out announcement...OK, I'll get me pen and a sheet of paper...gets pen and paper...now, what have I forgotten?....Oh yeah....BANG"
Why me?
However, yesterday an event occurred at work which was so blogworthy that as it was still taking place, I was already thinking of a suitable title when I inevitably posted it online. So here goes.
At my place of work, we are able to buy stock directly from the company. It's a simple procedure which ends with us paying the balance to a suitably-elected member of staff who sits in his dreary office, crossing us off as we pay up. The office in question is cosy at best, meaning you're practically on top of him when you pop in with your hard-earned.
As usual, an announcement was made on the PA system that shop money was being collected, so I grabbed my invoice, chequebook and lucky pen and made my way to his office. As I approached, he had an unusual look on his face. A sort, of "Blimey, I didn't think anyone would be here that quick" sort of look. I'm sure you know the one.
Now, my record for paying for stock in a timely fashion is not exactly stellar. It's not that I'm tight, I just seem to never get round to it (I've been put on stop on more than one occasion as a result). I therefore suspected that the look on his face was more of a "Blimey, I didn't expect HIM to be here that quick". As I walked in, I began to explain that yes, I was in fact paying on time for a change. As I was explaining this, a strange smell began to invade my nostrils. I concluded my monologue, instinctively drew back from the as-yet unknown smell and waited for a response.
This is what I got.
"I knew somebody would walk in just after I'd farted"
Dear God. Now, I consider myself pretty quick on the draw words-wise, but I was totally stumped by this situation. I opted to pretend I hadn't yet smelt it, then suddenly picked it up and backed out of the room. Being a man in his late-40's, I expected an embarrassed, almost apologetic response. Instead, the next thing he said was:
"It's a corker, innit?!"
All I could muster was a gobsmacked nod, before I departed at speed (it transpired that I had to pay this particular bill to someone else, thank fuck).
The thing is, this guy actually KNEW people would shortly be visiting his office. It was him who asked for the announcement to be made to pay their bills in the first place, so he can't have been surprised when someone turned up within a minute or so. You have to wonder about his checklist when he decides to collect payments:
"Right, I'll put out the announcement first....puts out announcement...OK, I'll get me pen and a sheet of paper...gets pen and paper...now, what have I forgotten?....Oh yeah....BANG"
Why me?
Thursday, 4 December 2008
Show me the funny...
As a rule, I try not to comment on individual items in society. I find it much more pleasurable to pass judgement on entire genres and make sweeping statements that offend millions in one fell swoop. However, recent events have pushed me so far that I have no choice but to kick off about one specific phenomenon.
I'm talking about TV 'comedy' The IT Crowd.
Right, before we even start, it has nothing, I repeat - NOTHING - to do with the fact that I work in IT. That it is based in the computing industry is probably why I have so many people offering their second-rate opinions on it (in fact, it seems wholly possible that people discuss it with me because they think I'm some kind of nerd who only watches programmes related to my work). In recent days I've had several 'lively' discussions about this programme and find all of my arguments are shot down simply because of my link to IT. That's not really fair; it's not as if there are programmes called "I am a complete wankjacket" which I can use in retaliation to the people who use this argument.
Basically, I can't see where the comedy is coming from. In my many years on this earth I've watched sitcoms from every part of the comedy spectrum. Some of them are true greats (Father Ted, Partridge, Phoenix Nights, The Office, Extras, etc) and some of the not so great (Lab Rats, anything starring Kevin Bishop). I even submitted a script to the BBC which was sadly turned down (it's who you know, but that's not for now). I've been to loads of stand-up gigs as well so I can confidently consider myself a good judge of comedy. As a result, when I finally decided "enough's enough - I can no longer argue with people about this programme based purely on the trailers; I need to watch it" I found myself struggling to raise a titter. I'll happily admit that I smiled a couple of times, but in general I found myself staring blankly at the screen as 'gag' after 'gag' was thrown at me in the vain hope of getting a laugh. Fail.
The entire premise of this programme seems two-fold. First, say or do something that implies something specific will be said or done, then immediately cut to a scene showing the polar opposite of that occurring. What a bastion of side-splittery. Second, as it is loosely based in the IT industry, the characters are socially-awkward geeks with funny voices and doubtful hairstyles and hygiene habits. More than one of the attempts at humour were driven by one of them being in a sticky situation or saying something in a stupid voice. Well played there as well.
What's truly sad about this is that the writer co-wrote Father Ted, so it should be immense. But it isn't. It's shit.
Having recently won a comedy award it's clear that a great many people must deem it hilarious. I have no problem with that. I'm not trying to bash or belittle the writer or it's fans, but I'm sick to the back teeth of being shouted down when I express a genuine puzzlement at the location of the comedy.
In conclusion, there are far worse programmes commissioned every year that make it onto our screens (alas, I'll never be able to venture as far as that scrapheap with my seminal work, "Flatmates") but just because it has a primetime slot and has quality writers and plenty of money thrown at it, it isn't guaranteed to be amusing. If, in the future, it bucks up its ideas and becomes good then I'll hold my hands up, but until that day I'll continue to fight the good fight.
Oh, and if one more person says "turn if off and turn it back on again" in an Irish voice to me, I might just fucking kill them.
I'm talking about TV 'comedy' The IT Crowd.
Right, before we even start, it has nothing, I repeat - NOTHING - to do with the fact that I work in IT. That it is based in the computing industry is probably why I have so many people offering their second-rate opinions on it (in fact, it seems wholly possible that people discuss it with me because they think I'm some kind of nerd who only watches programmes related to my work). In recent days I've had several 'lively' discussions about this programme and find all of my arguments are shot down simply because of my link to IT. That's not really fair; it's not as if there are programmes called "I am a complete wankjacket" which I can use in retaliation to the people who use this argument.
Basically, I can't see where the comedy is coming from. In my many years on this earth I've watched sitcoms from every part of the comedy spectrum. Some of them are true greats (Father Ted, Partridge, Phoenix Nights, The Office, Extras, etc) and some of the not so great (Lab Rats, anything starring Kevin Bishop). I even submitted a script to the BBC which was sadly turned down (it's who you know, but that's not for now). I've been to loads of stand-up gigs as well so I can confidently consider myself a good judge of comedy. As a result, when I finally decided "enough's enough - I can no longer argue with people about this programme based purely on the trailers; I need to watch it" I found myself struggling to raise a titter. I'll happily admit that I smiled a couple of times, but in general I found myself staring blankly at the screen as 'gag' after 'gag' was thrown at me in the vain hope of getting a laugh. Fail.
The entire premise of this programme seems two-fold. First, say or do something that implies something specific will be said or done, then immediately cut to a scene showing the polar opposite of that occurring. What a bastion of side-splittery. Second, as it is loosely based in the IT industry, the characters are socially-awkward geeks with funny voices and doubtful hairstyles and hygiene habits. More than one of the attempts at humour were driven by one of them being in a sticky situation or saying something in a stupid voice. Well played there as well.
What's truly sad about this is that the writer co-wrote Father Ted, so it should be immense. But it isn't. It's shit.
Having recently won a comedy award it's clear that a great many people must deem it hilarious. I have no problem with that. I'm not trying to bash or belittle the writer or it's fans, but I'm sick to the back teeth of being shouted down when I express a genuine puzzlement at the location of the comedy.
In conclusion, there are far worse programmes commissioned every year that make it onto our screens (alas, I'll never be able to venture as far as that scrapheap with my seminal work, "Flatmates") but just because it has a primetime slot and has quality writers and plenty of money thrown at it, it isn't guaranteed to be amusing. If, in the future, it bucks up its ideas and becomes good then I'll hold my hands up, but until that day I'll continue to fight the good fight.
Oh, and if one more person says "turn if off and turn it back on again" in an Irish voice to me, I might just fucking kill them.
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