Jesus Christ!
I wasn't singing the opening bars to a Lloyd-Webber musical there; I was merely trying to vent a little frustration before I began writing this blog, to prevent me using the kind of language which would make the Gallaghers blush.
Hot on the heels of my previous blog (regarding being blamed by somebody who ate my breakfast for her gaining weight) comes the story of an American (surprise, surprise) who has apparently got a condition which makes her eat in the night.
It's got a real medical name as well, apparently. Something like Kippinglardarseitis or something, and is actually recognised as a condition. Surely you can understand my earlier outburst now.
Basically, the story unfolded thus. She had a foot injury which wasn't healing despite the fact she was laid up during the day. She also started noticing crumbs and food wrappers in the bed, and put on the thick end of 9 stone despite dieting and exercising daily. It hardly takes Columbo to figure this one out does it?
Now, my complaint is not with the condition itself (although in my opinion it's not really worthy of medical attention). Instead, my gripe is with the fact that she is totally helpless in resolving the matter herself. They had her on the radio and all she did was bleat about how she couldn't help raiding the fridge in her sleep, that her husband was a heavy sleeper so he didn't notice and that she had clothes in 3 different sizes (not sure why - she doesn't exactly fluctuate weight-wise). Throughout the whole interview, the female interviewer was very sympathetic, agreeing that it must be a living hell.
I have one, small question, however:
WHY DON'T YOU LOCK THE FECKING FRIDGE THEN?
Put a lock on the fridge, get her husband to lock it when she's not there then hide the key. Unless she's a psychic Houdini type of sleepwalker, how the bloody hell is she going to find the food then? Either that or fill the fridge with fruit and other low-fat treats (if such a thing exists). If her story was that she'd been taken hostage and force-fed lard for 6 months you'd have some sympathy, but this is so easily resolvable that it barely warrants any media attention whatsoever.
Mind you, Lady Gaga is a successful music artist, so what do I know about what should and shouldn't be in the media?
Thursday, 18 June 2009
Friday, 12 June 2009
Weight Gain: Blame-free
It's been ages since I used conversations and occurrences from work to write blogs, but every so often you're given a chance to highlight just how misguided and, yes, idiotic some of the other inhabitants of our fair isle actually are.
Due to a work-related problem, I had to visit a different site yesterday morning. It was a last-minute thing and as such certain people weren't aware that I wasn't in my normal office that morning. Our canteen staff fall into this group.
Now, I'm what you might call a creature of habit. I have the same breakfast every morning (when else would you have it?) - 2 pieces of dry brown toast and beans. Simple, healthy and above all, cheap. Such is the regularity of me having this, that all I need to do is ask for 'the usual' and it will be done. It is important that you bear in mind the fact I have to visit the canteen and physically ask for this.
When I returned to my normal office today, I visited the canteen and ordered 'the usual'. I was then accused of causing one of the canteen staff members to gain weight. Her logic was thus:
- She had made my usual rounds of toast yesterday morning
- I obviously didn't turn up, so
- She ate them instead
Slightly taken aback at the ridiculousness of the statement (even by their standards), I then countered with three questions of my own:
- Why did you write down my order when I didn't actually ask for it?
- Given that I hadn't turned up to order it, and the quick nature of making toast, why didn't you just hang on on the off-chance that I'd forgotten to order and turned up anyway?
- How did you manage to put weight on by eating 2 slices of dry brown toast?
I must confess I didn't ask the first two questions, simply because I've had arguments in the past about pre-empting my order (to the extent that I've sometimes deliberately ordered something else to prove myself right - what a wag). I did however ask the final question.
Her response was succinct.
"Well, I didn't want to eat them dry, so I put butter on them"
Oh, so that's why it's my fault. You buttered the toast I would have eaten dry to suit your own taste, and therefore it's my fault you may put weight on. Maybe I should have suggested that the next time this happens (cos I know for a fact it will eventually), she actually covers the toast in dog dirt. The resulting stomach problems will cause her to lose weight (through vomiting, the trots, etc) and can only presume I will be held up as some kind of a hero for bringing about miracle weight loss.
At my place of work, stranger things have literally happened.
Due to a work-related problem, I had to visit a different site yesterday morning. It was a last-minute thing and as such certain people weren't aware that I wasn't in my normal office that morning. Our canteen staff fall into this group.
Now, I'm what you might call a creature of habit. I have the same breakfast every morning (when else would you have it?) - 2 pieces of dry brown toast and beans. Simple, healthy and above all, cheap. Such is the regularity of me having this, that all I need to do is ask for 'the usual' and it will be done. It is important that you bear in mind the fact I have to visit the canteen and physically ask for this.
When I returned to my normal office today, I visited the canteen and ordered 'the usual'. I was then accused of causing one of the canteen staff members to gain weight. Her logic was thus:
- She had made my usual rounds of toast yesterday morning
- I obviously didn't turn up, so
- She ate them instead
Slightly taken aback at the ridiculousness of the statement (even by their standards), I then countered with three questions of my own:
- Why did you write down my order when I didn't actually ask for it?
- Given that I hadn't turned up to order it, and the quick nature of making toast, why didn't you just hang on on the off-chance that I'd forgotten to order and turned up anyway?
- How did you manage to put weight on by eating 2 slices of dry brown toast?
I must confess I didn't ask the first two questions, simply because I've had arguments in the past about pre-empting my order (to the extent that I've sometimes deliberately ordered something else to prove myself right - what a wag). I did however ask the final question.
Her response was succinct.
"Well, I didn't want to eat them dry, so I put butter on them"
Oh, so that's why it's my fault. You buttered the toast I would have eaten dry to suit your own taste, and therefore it's my fault you may put weight on. Maybe I should have suggested that the next time this happens (cos I know for a fact it will eventually), she actually covers the toast in dog dirt. The resulting stomach problems will cause her to lose weight (through vomiting, the trots, etc) and can only presume I will be held up as some kind of a hero for bringing about miracle weight loss.
At my place of work, stranger things have literally happened.
Tuesday, 9 June 2009
Setanta: The ITV Digital of football coverage
Many football fans will remember a few years ago, when ITV Digital went tits up, meaning a load of football clubs who had shelled out for new players and stadia based on their expected revenue from the deal went a bit sideways. Much shaking of heads and wringing of hands ensued, as the FA promised such a situation would never arise again.
Which makes the pending doom of Setanta all the more surprising.
As I write, they're expected to call the administrators in shortly, as they owe £3m to the SPL and a further £30m to the Prem. Apparently they've fallen behind on payments and are unlikely to be able to meet them, so that's that. I'd be surprised if the Premiership suffers too much as a result, but the Jocks may have some trouble filling that void, and besides which, that's not the point.
I'm all for fair competition in the marketplace, to ensure no one company has complete control over something. Sky pretty much put regular live football on the map (although they do seem to think that top-flight footy began in 1992) and have been nothing but a success in delivering quality footage, drama and the worse pundits this site of MoTD ever since. A couple of years ago, the Monopolies and Mergers Commission (or whoever deals with this kind of thing these days) decided enough was enough and broke up their monopoly on the packages. Setanta threw their hat in the ring and got some games, so Sky wound Prem Plus up and Setanta began showing Saturday tea-time games against a gaudy yellow background.
There are 2 reasons why this eventually went wrong.
Firstly, other than these odd games and some international matches, all Setanta can offer are pay-per-view boxing and a bit of golf. These are specialist interest sports in my opinion, meaning they would only ever attract a fraction of the viewing public. Had they offered a wider range of sports and/or less pay-per-view options, I think more people would've signed up to it. Contrast with Sky, who offer entertainment, news, movies and some right twaddle alongside their sports package, meaning the vast majority of people will opt for Sky (rightly or wrongly) knowing they can add/remove the sport at their behest. Sky's multi-avenue coverage of televisual entertainment ensures they're the punter's choice for a satellite provider.
The second (and easily most important) reason that Setanta are on their arse is because, not to put too fine a point on it, they're utter, utter, UTTER shite at customer service. At the request of a friend who wanted to attend my birthday and watch the Calzaghe fight later that night, I signed up for a 3-month stint one April. They couldn't have been more helpful in setting it up and taking my brass (from my credit card, mind; a Direct Debit was not allowed). Once the 3 months was up I was surprised to learn I was still able to see games. That's because they'd decided to carry on charging me anyway, God bless 'em. By the October I'd decided enough was enough, so begun the cancellation process. A few points relating to this procedure:
- There's literally no way to cancel your subscription either on their website or over the phone. Upon searching Google, the only hits were for users in a similar situation who were either asking for help cancelling or offering an email address to contact.
- Having rung them to cancel, the 'assistant' gave me the wrong email address (in my opinion wrongly, to get another month's pay out of me). I got the correct one during my second call.
- The only way I managed to speak to someone was when my credit card changed, so they could no longer collect payments. I left it ages before I answered one of their calls because it came up as "withheld" on caller ID.
- I agreed to pay the difference on the account on the understanding I could have my subscription cancelled. I gave them my details and that was that. 2 days later I got another call demanding payment. Upon explaining the situation, it became clear that apparently some temporary staff had been processing payments but not completing them, meaning they could claim the commission but leave it unpaid to try again at a later date.
- Their policy is to take a further month's payment from you before cancelling, meaning I didn't actually get it cancelled until the start of December, a full 6 weeks from when they started.
- There is no known complaints procedure.
All in all, they're a shower of shambolic schysters. I wouldn't go back to them for all the tea in China after the way they treated me (and others, it has subsequently transpired. My story seems eerily familiar to other people I've spoken to). As far as I'm concerned, they've got exactly what they deserved.
** Insert knob gag here **
Which makes the pending doom of Setanta all the more surprising.
As I write, they're expected to call the administrators in shortly, as they owe £3m to the SPL and a further £30m to the Prem. Apparently they've fallen behind on payments and are unlikely to be able to meet them, so that's that. I'd be surprised if the Premiership suffers too much as a result, but the Jocks may have some trouble filling that void, and besides which, that's not the point.
I'm all for fair competition in the marketplace, to ensure no one company has complete control over something. Sky pretty much put regular live football on the map (although they do seem to think that top-flight footy began in 1992) and have been nothing but a success in delivering quality footage, drama and the worse pundits this site of MoTD ever since. A couple of years ago, the Monopolies and Mergers Commission (or whoever deals with this kind of thing these days) decided enough was enough and broke up their monopoly on the packages. Setanta threw their hat in the ring and got some games, so Sky wound Prem Plus up and Setanta began showing Saturday tea-time games against a gaudy yellow background.
There are 2 reasons why this eventually went wrong.
Firstly, other than these odd games and some international matches, all Setanta can offer are pay-per-view boxing and a bit of golf. These are specialist interest sports in my opinion, meaning they would only ever attract a fraction of the viewing public. Had they offered a wider range of sports and/or less pay-per-view options, I think more people would've signed up to it. Contrast with Sky, who offer entertainment, news, movies and some right twaddle alongside their sports package, meaning the vast majority of people will opt for Sky (rightly or wrongly) knowing they can add/remove the sport at their behest. Sky's multi-avenue coverage of televisual entertainment ensures they're the punter's choice for a satellite provider.
The second (and easily most important) reason that Setanta are on their arse is because, not to put too fine a point on it, they're utter, utter, UTTER shite at customer service. At the request of a friend who wanted to attend my birthday and watch the Calzaghe fight later that night, I signed up for a 3-month stint one April. They couldn't have been more helpful in setting it up and taking my brass (from my credit card, mind; a Direct Debit was not allowed). Once the 3 months was up I was surprised to learn I was still able to see games. That's because they'd decided to carry on charging me anyway, God bless 'em. By the October I'd decided enough was enough, so begun the cancellation process. A few points relating to this procedure:
- There's literally no way to cancel your subscription either on their website or over the phone. Upon searching Google, the only hits were for users in a similar situation who were either asking for help cancelling or offering an email address to contact.
- Having rung them to cancel, the 'assistant' gave me the wrong email address (in my opinion wrongly, to get another month's pay out of me). I got the correct one during my second call.
- The only way I managed to speak to someone was when my credit card changed, so they could no longer collect payments. I left it ages before I answered one of their calls because it came up as "withheld" on caller ID.
- I agreed to pay the difference on the account on the understanding I could have my subscription cancelled. I gave them my details and that was that. 2 days later I got another call demanding payment. Upon explaining the situation, it became clear that apparently some temporary staff had been processing payments but not completing them, meaning they could claim the commission but leave it unpaid to try again at a later date.
- Their policy is to take a further month's payment from you before cancelling, meaning I didn't actually get it cancelled until the start of December, a full 6 weeks from when they started.
- There is no known complaints procedure.
All in all, they're a shower of shambolic schysters. I wouldn't go back to them for all the tea in China after the way they treated me (and others, it has subsequently transpired. My story seems eerily familiar to other people I've spoken to). As far as I'm concerned, they've got exactly what they deserved.
** Insert knob gag here **
Thursday, 4 June 2009
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