What a pile of shite. I mean, what a stench-ridden, cyst-riddled load of old cobblerage the Eurovision Song Contest has become.
Now, before we start, let me state that I never thought it was some kind of European musical barometer. Well, to be fair it is, insofar as it showed how utterly awful any European music that isn't from these shores is. That said, Eurovision evokes images of badly-moustachioed men and equally hairy women from a long-lost Balkan region oom-pa-pa-ing their way to European mediocrity.
Not any more, though.
Firstly, they're trying. We usually put out a right load of horse. Not since Katrina and the Waves have we actually tried to win the thing, but now they've got proper music; proper performers; even proper producers (if you consider Timbaland any good). If anything, it's become cool to be involved.
However (as you would expect me to say), approximately 90% of the acts relied upon a fit bird to get votes. Greece's in particular was an absolute corker, but that's hardly the way to judge music is it? Imagine what it would be like if today's musicians filled their videos with scantily-clad women to further their success. Oh...
Anyway, my real gripe with this 'contest' is the 'voting'. The Mrs instigated a game where you had to guess who each country would vote for. I'm rubbish at Geography (my 'D' at A-level tells you that) but even I could work it out. The simple formula is this:
Who are they near?
Who do they used to be part of?
Who are they scared of?
These 3 questions gave you most of the answers. At first I thought it was amusing, then I realised it's fucking pathetic. I have no doubt whatsoever that a few misplaced votes between supposed friendly nations could kick it off big-style. It's that ridiculous.
Our entry was some dude from X-Factor (not a great start) but to be fair he was pretty good and stood a decent chance, but one simple overriding fact stopped him from scoring. We invaded Iraq. As a result, we were overlooked by all but 2 countries (one of whom was Ireland) and ended up last (albeit alhpabetically). The whole thing stinks of petty, overly-political bother-booting. I guarantee if we pulled out and stopped broadcasting the whole thing would fold in a matter of minutes.
Are we that petty? God, I hope not. If that isn't on they might broadcast Casualty instead. Think on...
Sunday, 25 May 2008
Growing up? Just grow up will you...
I recently went to a very pleasant engagement party for a friend of the Mrs. She knows the bride to be from Uni so predictably there were many of her former student colleagues in attendance. Being a few years younger than me, the average age of the attendees was around th 24-25 year bracket. Much drink was taken and much injokery ensued.
Early in proceedings it became clear that some kind of contest was being staged, where 'competitors' were judges on how far thery had progressed socially to decide who was the most grown up. Bizarrely (in a non-offensive way), my Mrs won, simply because she was engaged and was in the process of looking for her second house.
To me, this is odd. At her age I already had a mortgage, car and was forging a fledging career, but it seemed this group (many of whom have glittering careers in the upper echelons of society to look forward to) were simply unprepared for the world at large, and deemed any kind of security as a sign of being grown up.
I think a percentage of that is purely financial. I bought my house just before prices rocketed 5 or 6 years ago, so a mortgage was not the financially-crippling millstone it is now. But engagement? I knew 2 engaged couples at Uni, and I didn't deem them particularly grown up. Naive, certainly; stupid, possibly, but grown up? Not really.
I think the simple fact is that despite the fact I'm only 5 years older than this group, society and its outlook has shifted so far as to almost deem it another generation. Don't get me wrong; I don't consider myself particularly mature (skip to the end for evidence) but I think the steps I took in my early twenties (car, career, mortgage, etc) were just the done thing; nobody considered it grown up per se. It was just what you did once you left Uni.
At the end of the day, I could judge this quasi-next generation til the cows come home, but I recently got tutted at by a middle-aged woman because I flicked the V's at a Manchester United poster in Tescos, so I don't know what to believe...
Early in proceedings it became clear that some kind of contest was being staged, where 'competitors' were judges on how far thery had progressed socially to decide who was the most grown up. Bizarrely (in a non-offensive way), my Mrs won, simply because she was engaged and was in the process of looking for her second house.
To me, this is odd. At her age I already had a mortgage, car and was forging a fledging career, but it seemed this group (many of whom have glittering careers in the upper echelons of society to look forward to) were simply unprepared for the world at large, and deemed any kind of security as a sign of being grown up.
I think a percentage of that is purely financial. I bought my house just before prices rocketed 5 or 6 years ago, so a mortgage was not the financially-crippling millstone it is now. But engagement? I knew 2 engaged couples at Uni, and I didn't deem them particularly grown up. Naive, certainly; stupid, possibly, but grown up? Not really.
I think the simple fact is that despite the fact I'm only 5 years older than this group, society and its outlook has shifted so far as to almost deem it another generation. Don't get me wrong; I don't consider myself particularly mature (skip to the end for evidence) but I think the steps I took in my early twenties (car, career, mortgage, etc) were just the done thing; nobody considered it grown up per se. It was just what you did once you left Uni.
At the end of the day, I could judge this quasi-next generation til the cows come home, but I recently got tutted at by a middle-aged woman because I flicked the V's at a Manchester United poster in Tescos, so I don't know what to believe...
Monday, 19 May 2008
Where wit and wisdom goes to die
Can anyone remember the last time bumper stickers were funny? Come to think of it, were they ever funny? Surely there is nobody who still deems "Horn broken - watch for finger" as an amusing automotive slogan?
Well there is.
Some absolute knob on the way to work today had two of those yellow diamond stickers in the back window of his people carrier. Make sure you sit down before you read these bastions of hilarity:
"Honk if you're horny"
and
"Orgasm donor"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HA! How amusing! I wish I was as funny as the shithead who came up with those. Brilliant. My sides have split.
At the time I was very much in the "these are the people that are ruining this country" mindset, but having come to write it I'm absolutely livid, and it's not hard to fathom why. Let's face it; they're unbelievably shit. I mean, proper, proper wank. They're not witty, they're not clever and anybody who thinks they are ought to be locked in a room and made to eat every Jim Davidson DVD ever published, one by one.
Maybe then they'll know what it feels like to have crap material forced down their throats. Wankers.
Well there is.
Some absolute knob on the way to work today had two of those yellow diamond stickers in the back window of his people carrier. Make sure you sit down before you read these bastions of hilarity:
"Honk if you're horny"
and
"Orgasm donor"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HA! How amusing! I wish I was as funny as the shithead who came up with those. Brilliant. My sides have split.
At the time I was very much in the "these are the people that are ruining this country" mindset, but having come to write it I'm absolutely livid, and it's not hard to fathom why. Let's face it; they're unbelievably shit. I mean, proper, proper wank. They're not witty, they're not clever and anybody who thinks they are ought to be locked in a room and made to eat every Jim Davidson DVD ever published, one by one.
Maybe then they'll know what it feels like to have crap material forced down their throats. Wankers.
Friday, 16 May 2008
Music? No need.
I absolutely hate Radio 1 now. Ten years ago it was great; good music, good presenters (Mark and Lard for example) and a general feeling that they were doing things right. I happily admit to listening to it to and from work every day and to a certain extent you could say they provided the soundtrack to my life for a few years.
Not any more though.
How come every correspondent they have is a camp Jock? I'm not gayist or Jockist but that's all we hear. Entertainment, movies, you name it, there's one of our softly-spoken cousins from north of the border sticking his two penneth in.
Their playlist is a shambles. To a certain extent that can be blamed on the quality of music being released these days, but instead of providing a balanced outlook on what people are listening to these days, they just stick with the most popular genre of the moment. I must admit that in the BritPop era that was ace for me, but now it's all guns and ho's I realise just how annoying it must have been for non-fans of 90's guitar tunes. For the last time, people, saying your name repeatedly and 'ice' or 'shorty' does not a good tune make.
Last but not least (mainly because it drove me to write this blog) is something omnipresent Currys-botherer Edith "I shag musicians, me" Bowman said today.
She was reviewing upcoming films with, you guessed it, a camp Scotsman, when they came to the end of the segment. This is verbatim what she said:
"OK, let's get a couple of songs out of the way then we'll carry on with the reviews"
At what point did Radio 1 stop treating music as the staple of their output? Clearly these days they're more bothered about fawning over the latest movies, Lost and B-list celebrities to bother with all that music lark.
41 years it's been going. At one time it was the pinnacle of forward-thinking radio. Now it's a shambolic old wreck limping from one bandwagon to the next. In a word, absolutely pathetic.
Not any more though.
How come every correspondent they have is a camp Jock? I'm not gayist or Jockist but that's all we hear. Entertainment, movies, you name it, there's one of our softly-spoken cousins from north of the border sticking his two penneth in.
Their playlist is a shambles. To a certain extent that can be blamed on the quality of music being released these days, but instead of providing a balanced outlook on what people are listening to these days, they just stick with the most popular genre of the moment. I must admit that in the BritPop era that was ace for me, but now it's all guns and ho's I realise just how annoying it must have been for non-fans of 90's guitar tunes. For the last time, people, saying your name repeatedly and 'ice' or 'shorty' does not a good tune make.
Last but not least (mainly because it drove me to write this blog) is something omnipresent Currys-botherer Edith "I shag musicians, me" Bowman said today.
She was reviewing upcoming films with, you guessed it, a camp Scotsman, when they came to the end of the segment. This is verbatim what she said:
"OK, let's get a couple of songs out of the way then we'll carry on with the reviews"
At what point did Radio 1 stop treating music as the staple of their output? Clearly these days they're more bothered about fawning over the latest movies, Lost and B-list celebrities to bother with all that music lark.
41 years it's been going. At one time it was the pinnacle of forward-thinking radio. Now it's a shambolic old wreck limping from one bandwagon to the next. In a word, absolutely pathetic.
Presumably they flew the other way round the world...
Air travel is a regular part of a lot of my colleague's lives. With offices all over the UK and Europe it is quite common for people to hop on a plane throughout the week. I myself flew to and from Germany this week. It's no big deal and you just get on with it.
Of course, you know there is a 'however' coming...
A couple of 'ladies' from our office returned from a business trip today and were seen to be leaving the building at 2pm. When asked about their premature departure, they declared jet lag as the issue and went on their merry way.
This information was passed to me sometime later and I expressed sympathy for them, having spent the better part of 8 hours in airports and airplanes in the last week. I summised that they must have flown halfway round the world to feel like this.
Er, no.
They flew to...Glasgow.
From Leeds.
And had jet lag.
Wankers.
Of course, you know there is a 'however' coming...
A couple of 'ladies' from our office returned from a business trip today and were seen to be leaving the building at 2pm. When asked about their premature departure, they declared jet lag as the issue and went on their merry way.
This information was passed to me sometime later and I expressed sympathy for them, having spent the better part of 8 hours in airports and airplanes in the last week. I summised that they must have flown halfway round the world to feel like this.
Er, no.
They flew to...Glasgow.
From Leeds.
And had jet lag.
Wankers.
Wednesday, 30 April 2008
They're wearing make-up: kill, kill!
How depressing is this story in the news of a couple of scrotes who kicked and stamped a young lass to death because she was a goth? I simply can't begin to fathom the thought process and sheer mindlessness of 'people' who see someone who is different as such a threat that they need to physically assault them at the earliest opportunity.
Violence against minorities or groups who are deemed 'different' is widespread; it doesn't need further airing here. That said, I've never come across such a lame excuse to attack someone before. The story goes that a bunch of scum had spent the evening getting shitfaced and having relations with their scumettes when a goth couple crossed the park they were in. They immediately set about the lad of the couple who couldn't protect himself or his girlfriend. I'm not sure whether she stepped in or if they got bored of the chap but the eventually turned on her and beat her to death. Disgusting to the point of helplessness.
Friends and family got the verdict they wanted (life for them both) but that's scant comfort for the loss of the life, especially someone who seemed perfectly pleasant and was obviously unable to defend herself against this kind of assault. Personally I hope the other lags get wind of what these disgraceful beings did and dish out a bit of big house justice. Maybe then they'll know what it feels like to be picked on for being different. Rot in hell, scumbags.
Violence against minorities or groups who are deemed 'different' is widespread; it doesn't need further airing here. That said, I've never come across such a lame excuse to attack someone before. The story goes that a bunch of scum had spent the evening getting shitfaced and having relations with their scumettes when a goth couple crossed the park they were in. They immediately set about the lad of the couple who couldn't protect himself or his girlfriend. I'm not sure whether she stepped in or if they got bored of the chap but the eventually turned on her and beat her to death. Disgusting to the point of helplessness.
Friends and family got the verdict they wanted (life for them both) but that's scant comfort for the loss of the life, especially someone who seemed perfectly pleasant and was obviously unable to defend herself against this kind of assault. Personally I hope the other lags get wind of what these disgraceful beings did and dish out a bit of big house justice. Maybe then they'll know what it feels like to be picked on for being different. Rot in hell, scumbags.
Tuesday, 15 April 2008
Who you gonna call? A psychiatrist, presumably
You know me; I'm never one to offer opinions on stuff, be they controversial or run of the mill. I don't like to get involved in arguments, and I firmly believe that everybody else's opinions are as valid and correct as mine. I'm just that nice.
Alternatively, I could stop lying and make another one of my sweeping generalisations based purely on my (usually limited) experience of the subject in question. So here goes...
There's no such thing as ghosts.
Surely I'm on safe ground here? I've never seen a ghost, and I don't know anyone who as (or at least who has admitted to it), but I heard one of the cleaners at work telling someone that they hadn't seen this particular family member in ectoplasmic form for a few weeks. You have no idea how much strength of character it took not to turn round and say "Oh for fuck's sake, grow up will you". But I did.
The thing is, if I said "Go on then clever clogs, provide evidence of their existence" they'd be stumped. In today's world of 24-hour news and omnipresent Internet information, any plausible viewings would be all of the world by lunchtime. But they're not. Inevitably the spook-botherer would counter with "Prove that they don't existthen". In which case I'd shrug and put my arms out, as if to "Look around you, assface - you see any sheets with holes for eyes?"
My opinions on the afterlife and spiritualism are at best contradictory, mainly because my scientifically-driven mind fight for supremacy over my interest in all things from leftfield (not the band). I'm pretty sure that this any decent evidence to prove ghosts exist would throw my whole belief system into disarray, but the simple fact that after all these years not a single respectable recorded case of bumps in the night has been seen, I'm pretty secure in my convictions.
Now clairvoyants, don't even get me started on them...
Alternatively, I could stop lying and make another one of my sweeping generalisations based purely on my (usually limited) experience of the subject in question. So here goes...
There's no such thing as ghosts.
Surely I'm on safe ground here? I've never seen a ghost, and I don't know anyone who as (or at least who has admitted to it), but I heard one of the cleaners at work telling someone that they hadn't seen this particular family member in ectoplasmic form for a few weeks. You have no idea how much strength of character it took not to turn round and say "Oh for fuck's sake, grow up will you". But I did.
The thing is, if I said "Go on then clever clogs, provide evidence of their existence" they'd be stumped. In today's world of 24-hour news and omnipresent Internet information, any plausible viewings would be all of the world by lunchtime. But they're not. Inevitably the spook-botherer would counter with "Prove that they don't existthen". In which case I'd shrug and put my arms out, as if to "Look around you, assface - you see any sheets with holes for eyes?"
My opinions on the afterlife and spiritualism are at best contradictory, mainly because my scientifically-driven mind fight for supremacy over my interest in all things from leftfield (not the band). I'm pretty sure that this any decent evidence to prove ghosts exist would throw my whole belief system into disarray, but the simple fact that after all these years not a single respectable recorded case of bumps in the night has been seen, I'm pretty secure in my convictions.
Now clairvoyants, don't even get me started on them...
Thursday, 10 April 2008
Big cock day
People who know me will also know that I subscribe to the notion of the big cock day. That is, a day when you feel sexually irresistable to the opposite sex and feel that you're being checked out wherever you go.
Now let's get one thing straight. I don't profess to be a stud (our lass would go up the wall for starters) but I'm not exactly David Mellor, so there's bound to be some people out there not completely physically repulsed by me. Therefore, I don't feel bad when I get the impression that the 48-year-old battleaxe at Tescos petrol station is thinking "If I were 25 years younger"
I'm not arrogant. I'm confident, mainly because I'm secure in my own skin and have got what I want from life, but I would never profess to be some kind of player who's beating them off with a stick. It's just sometimes I feel absolutely the dog's bollocks, sex-wise.
The opposite is of course true. Sometimes everywhere you look the women are fit. It happened today which reminded me to write this blog. On another day we'd be talking swamp donkey territory, but sometimes, be it madness, celibacy or plain old cataracts, the opposite gender look like a collective of pieces of ass.
Far be it from me to get all Desmond Morris on your ass, but I'd say that's human nature. Personally I don't care whether you agree with me or not, cos I'm one of the beautiful people. Fall silent at my handsome feet.
Now let's get one thing straight. I don't profess to be a stud (our lass would go up the wall for starters) but I'm not exactly David Mellor, so there's bound to be some people out there not completely physically repulsed by me. Therefore, I don't feel bad when I get the impression that the 48-year-old battleaxe at Tescos petrol station is thinking "If I were 25 years younger"
I'm not arrogant. I'm confident, mainly because I'm secure in my own skin and have got what I want from life, but I would never profess to be some kind of player who's beating them off with a stick. It's just sometimes I feel absolutely the dog's bollocks, sex-wise.
The opposite is of course true. Sometimes everywhere you look the women are fit. It happened today which reminded me to write this blog. On another day we'd be talking swamp donkey territory, but sometimes, be it madness, celibacy or plain old cataracts, the opposite gender look like a collective of pieces of ass.
Far be it from me to get all Desmond Morris on your ass, but I'd say that's human nature. Personally I don't care whether you agree with me or not, cos I'm one of the beautiful people. Fall silent at my handsome feet.
Thursday, 20 March 2008
Rantathon
It's been ages since I had a proper good clearout of the old anger pot, and where better to do it than online in front of you two? Enjoy...
Mary Poppins: World's smuggest woman
She really, really is. Let's get one thing straight - it's one of my favourite films of all times; a classic with loads of quality songs, but the years have taken away some of my innocence, and it's clear that she's a right arrogant get. "Practically perfect in every way"? What sort of attitude is that to teach kids? And she's always got something clever to say in every circumstance. And the ability to fly? Don't even get my started. An absolute disgrace.
A good day for common sense
A couple of weeks ago two high-profile court cases were won by the defendants, and it's about chuffing time. One was a bloke who sued William Hill because he warned them he was out of control betting-wise, but they refused to help him and he lost shitloads. The other was some twat who slipped on a grape in a supermarket and claimed a) it'd bust his knee and b) he had suffered depression as a result. Clearly on that day a normal human being with an ounce of common sense was in charge, cos both got slung out big time, and rightly so. It's about time society stood up to these cretins who flat refuse to take responsibility for their actions, and see pound signs every time they do something completely cockworthy. If I was in charge of the courts, these sort of people would be put away as an example to the rest of society's scummy underbelly: cross me with your pathetic excuses and you're in the slammer, bucko.
Everyone's called Jack
Writing TV and film scripts (despite 80% of what you see these days) is undoubtedly a skill. So why is everyone called Jack these days? Leaf through a Sky mag or a movie listing and all the heroes are called Jack. It seems every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Jack (arf). I presume it's the sort of name that gives off a feeling of danger and confidence, tinged with a hint of sexiness. Possibly. Either way, it's clear that the Arthurs and Jemimas of this world are never going to be recognised on celluloid for their heroism or achievements. Which may or may not be a bad thing.
That'll do for now I think. Word up.
Mary Poppins: World's smuggest woman
She really, really is. Let's get one thing straight - it's one of my favourite films of all times; a classic with loads of quality songs, but the years have taken away some of my innocence, and it's clear that she's a right arrogant get. "Practically perfect in every way"? What sort of attitude is that to teach kids? And she's always got something clever to say in every circumstance. And the ability to fly? Don't even get my started. An absolute disgrace.
A good day for common sense
A couple of weeks ago two high-profile court cases were won by the defendants, and it's about chuffing time. One was a bloke who sued William Hill because he warned them he was out of control betting-wise, but they refused to help him and he lost shitloads. The other was some twat who slipped on a grape in a supermarket and claimed a) it'd bust his knee and b) he had suffered depression as a result. Clearly on that day a normal human being with an ounce of common sense was in charge, cos both got slung out big time, and rightly so. It's about time society stood up to these cretins who flat refuse to take responsibility for their actions, and see pound signs every time they do something completely cockworthy. If I was in charge of the courts, these sort of people would be put away as an example to the rest of society's scummy underbelly: cross me with your pathetic excuses and you're in the slammer, bucko.
Everyone's called Jack
Writing TV and film scripts (despite 80% of what you see these days) is undoubtedly a skill. So why is everyone called Jack these days? Leaf through a Sky mag or a movie listing and all the heroes are called Jack. It seems every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Jack (arf). I presume it's the sort of name that gives off a feeling of danger and confidence, tinged with a hint of sexiness. Possibly. Either way, it's clear that the Arthurs and Jemimas of this world are never going to be recognised on celluloid for their heroism or achievements. Which may or may not be a bad thing.
That'll do for now I think. Word up.
Thursday, 6 March 2008
What a guy
It's a sad fact of life these days that barely a month goes by when someone (usually a bloke) does his immediate family in. Murder and domestic tragedy and shit are all we seem to hear about these days. We've all heard the stories of a chap flipping and opening a can of whuppass on his significant other, but the latest one takes the biscuit.
The 'gentleman' in question has just been sent down for a minimum of 38 years for killing his ex and her 2 kids. Brutal stuff, but it gets worse when you read what actually took place.
- He turns up at his ex's house, and demands sex
- She refuses, so he
- Brutally rapes her
- Brutally rapes her 18-year-old daughter
- Brains the pair of them with a hammer
- Stoves the son's head in in similar fashion
I'm not usually one to react to these sort of stories, but even I was like "Bloody hell" when I heard it. It's one thing to flip and murder the family, but what sort of sick fuck rapes the females first? A woman he once loved and her daughter who he had a hand in raising. It's nasty stuff, and I personally hope when the other cons get wind of his actions in the big house, they give him the good hiding he deserves. Each and every day for the next 38 years. See how he likes it.
The 'gentleman' in question has just been sent down for a minimum of 38 years for killing his ex and her 2 kids. Brutal stuff, but it gets worse when you read what actually took place.
- He turns up at his ex's house, and demands sex
- She refuses, so he
- Brutally rapes her
- Brutally rapes her 18-year-old daughter
- Brains the pair of them with a hammer
- Stoves the son's head in in similar fashion
I'm not usually one to react to these sort of stories, but even I was like "Bloody hell" when I heard it. It's one thing to flip and murder the family, but what sort of sick fuck rapes the females first? A woman he once loved and her daughter who he had a hand in raising. It's nasty stuff, and I personally hope when the other cons get wind of his actions in the big house, they give him the good hiding he deserves. Each and every day for the next 38 years. See how he likes it.
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