And I'm not talking about a Dyson. I'm talking about Tescos. Not to put too fine a point on it, it does my fucking head in.
I usually go in after hours but I finished at lunch yesterday so I 'nipped' in for a few things. I've put quotes around 'nipped' there cos you can't do anything like nip in there. It's a tortuous, drawn-out affair. Here are a few scientific facts about good old Tescos (or at least my local branch)
- It's a hangout for the socially alternative in the area. Have a quick look in the cafe; it's full of life forms yet to be ratified by science. They sit there in their ill-fitting suit jackets (why do they all have suit jackets?) supping tea for 5 hours to keep out of the cold. Get up, get out and get a job. Losers.
- 1 in 3 customers have a lazy eye. It's absolutely astonishing, but exactly 1 in every 3 patrons has some kind of eye condition, ranging from a tic to having one missing. I've no idea what goes on in the local area that could cause this, but the extent of eye-based trauma in beyond belief.
- The trolley 'boy' is a frustrated oil tanker captain. And a jobsworth twat. This prepubescent gimp in half-mast trousers gathers 86 trollies into a line then fails spectacularly to get them back to the pick-up point without veering wildly off course and nearly taking out the pensioners in the taxi queue. Try taking fewer at a time, you jackass. And a smile wouldn't kill you.
- The car cleaners are idiots. There are a bunch of twentysomething lads who clean your cars for a reasonable fee at your request, but they only have two sayings:
1) "You like car wash, sir?"
2) Scream at each other across the car park in aggressive, enthusiastic tones
Calm down fellas, please. You're giving me a headache.
- The till staff come to work on the Sunshine Bus. They're absolutely useless, the lot of them. The last time I looked Tescos didn't need 10 A levels and a Masters to operate their tills, but you'd think they were trying to split the atom the way they carry on sometimes. Just scan the item until you hear the beep, then pass it to me, OK? And blowing your nose enthusiastically between customers is a no-no too.
- It's home to the world's slowest walkers. If Norris McWhirter was still with us, I'm sure his stopwatch would be seeing all kinds of records broken, when the people leaving the store (usually pensioners) travel so slowly that they actually begin to go back in time. For someone like me with a purpose and place in society it is unbelievably frustrating. Stick a slow lane in for them or something.
I'll call time on the Tescos-based rant-fest there I think, but spare a thought for me the next time I have to tolerate this hovel of idiocy and slack personal hygiene.
Saturday, 21 June 2008
Friday, 13 June 2008
Presumably they'll Shell out...
Have I missed something? When did driving a truck become an executive position?
Now before we start, let me make it clear that I've got nothing against lorry drivers per say. They do a good job and are vital to the movement of goods around this great land of ours. However, it's not exactly rocket science is it? Other than the HGV licence you don't need any special qualifications to my mind.
Therefore, why the hell are Shell lorry drivers demanding (that's demanding) £39k a year just to drive petrol around the country? What a bunch of greedy bastards. That's a shitload more than I get paid and I know for a fact that I work harder than this lot put together on any given day. Fair enough, their hours are unsociable, but that's their choice. They can't say "Yeah, I'll work late doing a boring, repetitive job. Forty grand should cover it". Cheeky gets.
Of course, this being England, they've gone on strike. And this being England, and despite Shell making allowances for it and telling the country there'll be enough fuel to go round, that cretinous, fuckwitted element of society was out in force today, clogging up the petrol pumps (none of them Shell stations, mind) so they can get their greedy mitts on something that's far from going out of fashion. Wankers. I hate the lot of them.
It doesn't help that Shell don't employ the drivers. They get a third party company to provide the manpower, so they can happily sit back and let the argument rumble, which isn't helping anybody.
Maybe, just maybe in the future, companies and their employees will sit around the table and thrash out these problems in one go, rather than employees demanding ridiculous figures for brainless work and companies treating their workforce like shite.
That said, the vast majority of this nation's public are thick as shit, so it makes no difference what you do. Who knows what would happen if the Government said jumping off bridges onto big metal spikes was in danger of running out...
Now before we start, let me make it clear that I've got nothing against lorry drivers per say. They do a good job and are vital to the movement of goods around this great land of ours. However, it's not exactly rocket science is it? Other than the HGV licence you don't need any special qualifications to my mind.
Therefore, why the hell are Shell lorry drivers demanding (that's demanding) £39k a year just to drive petrol around the country? What a bunch of greedy bastards. That's a shitload more than I get paid and I know for a fact that I work harder than this lot put together on any given day. Fair enough, their hours are unsociable, but that's their choice. They can't say "Yeah, I'll work late doing a boring, repetitive job. Forty grand should cover it". Cheeky gets.
Of course, this being England, they've gone on strike. And this being England, and despite Shell making allowances for it and telling the country there'll be enough fuel to go round, that cretinous, fuckwitted element of society was out in force today, clogging up the petrol pumps (none of them Shell stations, mind) so they can get their greedy mitts on something that's far from going out of fashion. Wankers. I hate the lot of them.
It doesn't help that Shell don't employ the drivers. They get a third party company to provide the manpower, so they can happily sit back and let the argument rumble, which isn't helping anybody.
Maybe, just maybe in the future, companies and their employees will sit around the table and thrash out these problems in one go, rather than employees demanding ridiculous figures for brainless work and companies treating their workforce like shite.
That said, the vast majority of this nation's public are thick as shit, so it makes no difference what you do. Who knows what would happen if the Government said jumping off bridges onto big metal spikes was in danger of running out...
Tuesday, 3 June 2008
I've got this stabbing pain...
A year or so ago I wrote a blog decrying the sudden upturn in gun-related deaths, especially amongst teenagers. Little Rhys Jones had recently been shot in the street and I wondered what kind of people could carry out such an act.
These days we hardly hear a thing about gun crime. Had you nipped down from a parallel universe you'd think we'd cracked it. Except of course, we haven't.
Earlier this week the 16th teenager this year was stabbed to death in London.
It simply beggars belief. Literally every week we're hearing stories of stabbings, often gang-related, but always tragic. It's nearly always youngsters, and it appears that the attacks are becoming more and more indiscriminate. When I was at school, only one stabbing took place (one too many, granted, but you get my point). That was in a fight between two long-standing rivals where one had tooled himself up with stuff from CDT just before it went off. The victim took several wounds to the legs with scissors but survived. His assailant ended up in Juvie.
These days though it seems every kid is tooled up, just in case. It's quite obvious that if they all stopped carrying them, they'd feel (and be) safer and the killings would all but stop, but that's never going to happen is it? As usual the Government are clueless, imploring parents to ask their kids if they're carrying a knife before they go out. Brilliant. That'll unearth them without fail, brainiacs.
I've given up trying to work out why it happens now. The oft-bleated reason is broken homes, but as I've said before, that's doing a massive disservice to those people from single-parent families who study, work hard and make a life for themselves without feeling the urge to cut someone up on the way. The simple fact is that no amount of breaking a home makes a person think that stabbing someone (often to death) is a suitable riposte to anything they suffered in return.
Apologies for the use of the word 'person' there, cos they clearly aren't people. They're scum.
These days we hardly hear a thing about gun crime. Had you nipped down from a parallel universe you'd think we'd cracked it. Except of course, we haven't.
Earlier this week the 16th teenager this year was stabbed to death in London.
It simply beggars belief. Literally every week we're hearing stories of stabbings, often gang-related, but always tragic. It's nearly always youngsters, and it appears that the attacks are becoming more and more indiscriminate. When I was at school, only one stabbing took place (one too many, granted, but you get my point). That was in a fight between two long-standing rivals where one had tooled himself up with stuff from CDT just before it went off. The victim took several wounds to the legs with scissors but survived. His assailant ended up in Juvie.
These days though it seems every kid is tooled up, just in case. It's quite obvious that if they all stopped carrying them, they'd feel (and be) safer and the killings would all but stop, but that's never going to happen is it? As usual the Government are clueless, imploring parents to ask their kids if they're carrying a knife before they go out. Brilliant. That'll unearth them without fail, brainiacs.
I've given up trying to work out why it happens now. The oft-bleated reason is broken homes, but as I've said before, that's doing a massive disservice to those people from single-parent families who study, work hard and make a life for themselves without feeling the urge to cut someone up on the way. The simple fact is that no amount of breaking a home makes a person think that stabbing someone (often to death) is a suitable riposte to anything they suffered in return.
Apologies for the use of the word 'person' there, cos they clearly aren't people. They're scum.
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