I recently visited a new shopping mall complex just up the road from BBC Television Centre (don't bother, dump) and as part of the process had to sit through an arse-numbingly dull health and safety induction.
To be fair, it is a necessary step in this process, but it wasn't really aimed at people like me who were nipping onto the site for half an hour to check on progress. It was more aimed at construction types, as references to rat urine-borne diseases and vibration white finger were discussed. All very important and serious for the hard hat brigade I'm sure.
However, to say this induction erred on the side of overkill would be something of an understatement.
For example, you're not allowed to rape people. Straight up (pardon the pun), if you are caught sexually abusing someone then you're booted off the site (no mention of prosecution was made, leading me to believe that it's worth the risk to perverts if they know the feds don't get involved).
You're not allowed to have a cack in the street. You read that right; your are forbidden from "urinating or defecating anywhere but in the facilities provided". I'm not overly sure of the types of people hired to work on these projects but you have to wonder what's gone before to make this warning necessary.
Another point that drew a titter from around the room was "don't smoke near flammable liquids of gases". Thanks for that, squire. I was just about to check on my petrol collection by lighting a match. Idiots.
All in all, 45 minutes of my valuable life were wasted, as 30 minutes after that I was off the site and going home. However, when the urge struck me in White City tube station, I made my way to the toilets rather than dropping my trollies in the middle of the platform. Maybe it wasn't such a waste of time after all...
Friday 22 August 2008
Friday 15 August 2008
Olympic breaks? Give it a rest...
It makes a nice change to moan about something topical. Usually I wax aggressively about stuff I've seen on my way home or on the Internet with only the slimmest of connections to my awesome readership, but today I can talk about something that's actually happening: those Olympics everyone keeps banging on about.
I've got nothing against the Olympics; it's a great sporting event. The time difference means I've not seen a great deal of what's happened but I'm picking up the main bits on the radio and to be honest, the good stuff (running and throwing and that) hasn't started yet so I'm not really that arsed.
However...
Why are the swimmers being rested from races? The GB women's team, who were a good bet for the gold, failed to qualify from the heats cos they'd rested two of their better swimmers who'd already swam that week. That's right - earlier that week a 19-year-old career swimmer who trains every day had to have a bit of a rest from racing. Presumably because she was a bit tired.
I wish I could do that; I've had a difficult day at work so I get rested by my boss until a more important job comes along. In a word, absolutely pathetic. If you ask me (which you won't), if you need to have a rest having swam 2 days ago you're either not training properly or you're shite at it. Good day.
I've got nothing against the Olympics; it's a great sporting event. The time difference means I've not seen a great deal of what's happened but I'm picking up the main bits on the radio and to be honest, the good stuff (running and throwing and that) hasn't started yet so I'm not really that arsed.
However...
Why are the swimmers being rested from races? The GB women's team, who were a good bet for the gold, failed to qualify from the heats cos they'd rested two of their better swimmers who'd already swam that week. That's right - earlier that week a 19-year-old career swimmer who trains every day had to have a bit of a rest from racing. Presumably because she was a bit tired.
I wish I could do that; I've had a difficult day at work so I get rested by my boss until a more important job comes along. In a word, absolutely pathetic. If you ask me (which you won't), if you need to have a rest having swam 2 days ago you're either not training properly or you're shite at it. Good day.
Friday 8 August 2008
Good video + reasonable product = horse
Has anybody seen the new DFS advert? It's basically set to "Rock star" by Nickelback but pinches their video idea by having several different people miming the words to the song. The only subtle difference is in the original there are Playboy bunnies and famous rock types whereas the advert contains middle-aged blokes and tubby women from Keighley.
I suppose some people (namely the people who put money into this bilge) could argue that the fact I'm talking about it proves that it works as a marketing ploy, but I can genuinely say that I was so transfixed by the utter cackness that whatever product they were hawking completely passed me by. I dunno, settees or summat.
There's a fine line to be drawn between memorable adverts and shite in my opinion. Take the gorilla playing the drums for example. Utter tripe (except for the song - a tune regardless of Collins' involvement) but because it was kept simple I know it was for Dairy Milk. You see - simple but effective. Sadly I've got no interest in chocolate but it's a start. Their next effort was an utterly bizarre scenario of airport vehicles having some kind of a race down a runway. The whole thing was saved by setting it to the awesome "Don't stop me now" by effeminate vest-botherers Queen, but even then you're so frightened by the whole experience that you've probably turned off before the slogan is shown.
In conclusion, the only place Nickelback should be seen and heard is the hit parade, and even then you should exercise caution. I'm off to buy a sofa.
I suppose some people (namely the people who put money into this bilge) could argue that the fact I'm talking about it proves that it works as a marketing ploy, but I can genuinely say that I was so transfixed by the utter cackness that whatever product they were hawking completely passed me by. I dunno, settees or summat.
There's a fine line to be drawn between memorable adverts and shite in my opinion. Take the gorilla playing the drums for example. Utter tripe (except for the song - a tune regardless of Collins' involvement) but because it was kept simple I know it was for Dairy Milk. You see - simple but effective. Sadly I've got no interest in chocolate but it's a start. Their next effort was an utterly bizarre scenario of airport vehicles having some kind of a race down a runway. The whole thing was saved by setting it to the awesome "Don't stop me now" by effeminate vest-botherers Queen, but even then you're so frightened by the whole experience that you've probably turned off before the slogan is shown.
In conclusion, the only place Nickelback should be seen and heard is the hit parade, and even then you should exercise caution. I'm off to buy a sofa.
Sunday 3 August 2008
Good news: Suffering will end...in 1996
In a not completely surprising story, I was a bit hungover this morning. 2 bottles of wine (each) and a few shots of Sambuca while watching James Bond and playing rummy had left me in a delicate state this morning. That said, I managed to drag myself out of bed, take the piss out of the Mrs for feeling worse and head home.
You can imagine I wasn't entirely enamoured, therefore, when a little old couple knocked on the door. Before I'd opened the door (the window was open and the telly on so I couldn't cower) I spotted the small colourful pamphlet in her hand and knew what was about to happen. They were Jehovah's Witnesses.
To be fair the conversation was done in 30 seconds. They were very friendly and pleasant, passed on the pamphlet and told me to get in touch if I had any questions. I closed the door, fed the paper to the cats and went back to what I was doing.
A bit later I thought I'd have a read of this tripe and was amused to read about how the Bible tells us that suffering will soon be over. Terrorism drugs and STD's are rife in today's society but The Good Book has told us we'll all be alright in a bit. All we need to do is hang on.
All very feasible (if you're a brainwashed prick with tunnel vision) but there was one slight problem. It was exactly the same as the pamphlet I was given by another old couple at my mum and dad's house 12 years ago. As far as predictions for imminent endings go, this was pushing it a bit.
I got the same spiel last time; did I want world peace? Did I think it was possible? Blah fecking blah. It doesn't matter how much you profess the Bible as the universal answer to everything - the simple fact is it's a load of old bollocks. There are no dates or times specified in these amazing predictions, so why should anybody buy the concept of world peace being just around the corner. I was never going to be taken in by something as pathetically myopic and self-serving as this, but for those of a weaker mental structure, you're going to have to work a bit harder to convince them if you ask me.
Nobody I know has any real religious views so I doubt I'm going to upset anyone, but if these God Squadders want us to take them seriously, it might be an idea to update their promotional material every once in, oh I don't know, a decade. Amen.
You can imagine I wasn't entirely enamoured, therefore, when a little old couple knocked on the door. Before I'd opened the door (the window was open and the telly on so I couldn't cower) I spotted the small colourful pamphlet in her hand and knew what was about to happen. They were Jehovah's Witnesses.
To be fair the conversation was done in 30 seconds. They were very friendly and pleasant, passed on the pamphlet and told me to get in touch if I had any questions. I closed the door, fed the paper to the cats and went back to what I was doing.
A bit later I thought I'd have a read of this tripe and was amused to read about how the Bible tells us that suffering will soon be over. Terrorism drugs and STD's are rife in today's society but The Good Book has told us we'll all be alright in a bit. All we need to do is hang on.
All very feasible (if you're a brainwashed prick with tunnel vision) but there was one slight problem. It was exactly the same as the pamphlet I was given by another old couple at my mum and dad's house 12 years ago. As far as predictions for imminent endings go, this was pushing it a bit.
I got the same spiel last time; did I want world peace? Did I think it was possible? Blah fecking blah. It doesn't matter how much you profess the Bible as the universal answer to everything - the simple fact is it's a load of old bollocks. There are no dates or times specified in these amazing predictions, so why should anybody buy the concept of world peace being just around the corner. I was never going to be taken in by something as pathetically myopic and self-serving as this, but for those of a weaker mental structure, you're going to have to work a bit harder to convince them if you ask me.
Nobody I know has any real religious views so I doubt I'm going to upset anyone, but if these God Squadders want us to take them seriously, it might be an idea to update their promotional material every once in, oh I don't know, a decade. Amen.
Friday 1 August 2008
Camp as a....well....campsite
"Holiday, celebrate" wittered Mockney sex-fiend Madonna 20 years ago. And she was right. Going on your holidays is a time to celebrate. It's that time again, and I strong-armed the Mrs into staying in this country again, so we went camping in North Yorkshire.
In a phrase, it was quality. I could've easily killed half a dozen people in cold blood with a rubber mallet but eventually everyone left me alone and we were cool. The tent flew up, the fold-up grill was spectacular and I went to the pub every single day I was there. That's the holiday of kings.
Interestingly, we had a celebrity aside while we were there. Returning to the site from another pub trip we noticed a Rolls Royce hooked up to a tiny caravan. As a labelled the driver 'eccentric' it dawned on us that Top Gear's finest James May was in our vicinity. We had a good old gawp as we went past but that was pretty much the end of it, save for most of the other campers trying to be the most informed about his attendance.
A few minutes later we went to the loo and en route bumped into Oz Clarke. Then the penny dropped; they were filming another series of their wine adventure. This was confirmed when I spoke to the man himself, who was massively anti-Scot and and anti-Welsh in the 60 or so seconds we chatted, but we parted on good terms and left them to it.
They filmed for a little over 24 hours then disappeared, although as the Mrs said "the shine has been taken off slightly". It is clear that filming is a drawn-out process, but this was just silly. The final cut may be different, but I reckon they will use about 10 minutes of the footage they took in their programme. They kept restaging scenes and at one stage I'm sure they faked a puncture. Time will tell but it's clear that all that on-screen chemistry is manufactured for the good of the show.
Anyway, in summary, a good time was had by both. We got a lot of reading done, went wandering and the Mrs even turned to Carlsberg when her wine ran out. If that's not slumming it, I don't know what is...
In a phrase, it was quality. I could've easily killed half a dozen people in cold blood with a rubber mallet but eventually everyone left me alone and we were cool. The tent flew up, the fold-up grill was spectacular and I went to the pub every single day I was there. That's the holiday of kings.
Interestingly, we had a celebrity aside while we were there. Returning to the site from another pub trip we noticed a Rolls Royce hooked up to a tiny caravan. As a labelled the driver 'eccentric' it dawned on us that Top Gear's finest James May was in our vicinity. We had a good old gawp as we went past but that was pretty much the end of it, save for most of the other campers trying to be the most informed about his attendance.
A few minutes later we went to the loo and en route bumped into Oz Clarke. Then the penny dropped; they were filming another series of their wine adventure. This was confirmed when I spoke to the man himself, who was massively anti-Scot and and anti-Welsh in the 60 or so seconds we chatted, but we parted on good terms and left them to it.
They filmed for a little over 24 hours then disappeared, although as the Mrs said "the shine has been taken off slightly". It is clear that filming is a drawn-out process, but this was just silly. The final cut may be different, but I reckon they will use about 10 minutes of the footage they took in their programme. They kept restaging scenes and at one stage I'm sure they faked a puncture. Time will tell but it's clear that all that on-screen chemistry is manufactured for the good of the show.
Anyway, in summary, a good time was had by both. We got a lot of reading done, went wandering and the Mrs even turned to Carlsberg when her wine ran out. If that's not slumming it, I don't know what is...
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