If I had, do you think I'd tell you?

As many of you will be aware, the UK has a number of regional dialects which vary the tone and pronunciation of words. Most of these dialects also come with their own unique phrases, handed from generation to generation with nobody any the wiser as to what the hell they mean.

For example, I'm sure you're aware of Cockney rhyming slang, where two words are coupled to rhyme with their true meaning. We're all familiar with dog and bone (stone), apples and pears (pears) and Adam and Eve (also pears).

I live in West Yorkshire, and as such am exposed to a number of clever twists of language and creative wordplay. For instance, when wishing to describe the act of surprising someone when you catch them not pulling their weight in a work setting, I'm told the correct terminology is "Catch a weasel sleeping, piss in its lug". A lovely sentiment of which Shakespeare himself would be proud.

However, far and away the most unusual and, yes, controversial of these local sayings is commonplace when wishing to enquire at the earliness of someones arrival, especially when arriving early to work. On more occasions than I can remember, I've arrived at work a mere half hour early, and been confronted by the following poetic question:

"What's up? Shit the bed?"

My traditional answer is "Indeed I have, good woman. Despite being the right side of thirty (unlike you) I somehow managed to lose control of my entire digestive system and defecate in my bed. However, rather than run the risk of cleaning it up, I put on my clothes and hot-footed it to work, safe in the knowledge I was extremely early, albeit a little grubby downstairs"

Why the fuck would being early to work mean I'd shit the bed? Aside from the obvious thought of "If I had, why the bloody hell would I tell you?", you have to wonder about how that link has developed over time so this phrase is now apt for this situation. Presumably in days of yore, a person got the mud hut early, was quizzed about his premature arrival and under pressure uttered the phrase "Er, I've shit the bed". That's my theory anyway.