Rantathon

It's been ages since I had a proper good clearout of the old anger pot, and where better to do it than online in front of you two? Enjoy...

Mary Poppins: World's smuggest woman

She really, really is. Let's get one thing straight - it's one of my favourite films of all times; a classic with loads of quality songs, but the years have taken away some of my innocence, and it's clear that she's a right arrogant get. "Practically perfect in every way"? What sort of attitude is that to teach kids? And she's always got something clever to say in every circumstance. And the ability to fly? Don't even get my started. An absolute disgrace.

A good day for common sense

A couple of weeks ago two high-profile court cases were won by the defendants, and it's about chuffing time. One was a bloke who sued William Hill because he warned them he was out of control betting-wise, but they refused to help him and he lost shitloads. The other was some twat who slipped on a grape in a supermarket and claimed a) it'd bust his knee and b) he had suffered depression as a result. Clearly on that day a normal human being with an ounce of common sense was in charge, cos both got slung out big time, and rightly so. It's about time society stood up to these cretins who flat refuse to take responsibility for their actions, and see pound signs every time they do something completely cockworthy. If I was in charge of the courts, these sort of people would be put away as an example to the rest of society's scummy underbelly: cross me with your pathetic excuses and you're in the slammer, bucko.

Everyone's called Jack

Writing TV and film scripts (despite 80% of what you see these days) is undoubtedly a skill. So why is everyone called Jack these days? Leaf through a Sky mag or a movie listing and all the heroes are called Jack. It seems every Tom, Dick and Harry is called Jack (arf). I presume it's the sort of name that gives off a feeling of danger and confidence, tinged with a hint of sexiness. Possibly. Either way, it's clear that the Arthurs and Jemimas of this world are never going to be recognised on celluloid for their heroism or achievements. Which may or may not be a bad thing.

That'll do for now I think. Word up.

What a guy

It's a sad fact of life these days that barely a month goes by when someone (usually a bloke) does his immediate family in. Murder and domestic tragedy and shit are all we seem to hear about these days. We've all heard the stories of a chap flipping and opening a can of whuppass on his significant other, but the latest one takes the biscuit.

The 'gentleman' in question has just been sent down for a minimum of 38 years for killing his ex and her 2 kids. Brutal stuff, but it gets worse when you read what actually took place.

- He turns up at his ex's house, and demands sex
- She refuses, so he
- Brutally rapes her
- Brutally rapes her 18-year-old daughter
- Brains the pair of them with a hammer
- Stoves the son's head in in similar fashion

I'm not usually one to react to these sort of stories, but even I was like "Bloody hell" when I heard it. It's one thing to flip and murder the family, but what sort of sick fuck rapes the females first? A woman he once loved and her daughter who he had a hand in raising. It's nasty stuff, and I personally hope when the other cons get wind of his actions in the big house, they give him the good hiding he deserves. Each and every day for the next 38 years. See how he likes it.

Men: Nature's SatNav

I spent a couple of hours wandering around Meadowhall today and a thought struck me which I professed to my Mrs. Her response suggested it was a blogworthy point. Presenting my scientifically-qualified question:

1) Two men are walking towards one another in a busy street. Without even looking at each other, they managed to pass without so much as brushing shoulders.

2) A man and a woman approach each other. The man analyses the situation, creates the passable space and they (usually) manage to avoid contact.

3) Two women approach each other. Carnage. Chaos. Bedlam.

Ergo:

Why are women so utterly useless at walking past each other in public places?

I really can't understand it. On more occasions than I can recall today, two women did that awkward joint apology because they'd got in each other's way. I myself had a couple of apologies from women who got in my way, despite my best efforts to avoid them. They seem to be wired wrongly, to the point that their spatial and directional awareness is practically nil. What I found most surprising was their seemingly aimless wandering which leads to these collisions. As red-jumpered mock-Scouser Neil Buchanan once quipped, "Try it yourself": next time you're in a busy street or shopping centre, watch how many women barrel into each other. Once you get good at it, you'll be able to predict collisions in advance, and watch in amazement as they amble towards each other seemingly oblivious to their pending doom. Absolutely insane.

That said, they look good and often smell nice, and they're soft to the touch, so just lay off 'em, alright?