What a pile of shite. I mean, what a stench-ridden, cyst-riddled load of old cobblerage the Eurovision Song Contest has become.
Now, before we start, let me state that I never thought it was some kind of European musical barometer. Well, to be fair it is, insofar as it showed how utterly awful any European music that isn't from these shores is. That said, Eurovision evokes images of badly-moustachioed men and equally hairy women from a long-lost Balkan region oom-pa-pa-ing their way to European mediocrity.
Not any more, though.
Firstly, they're trying. We usually put out a right load of horse. Not since Katrina and the Waves have we actually tried to win the thing, but now they've got proper music; proper performers; even proper producers (if you consider Timbaland any good). If anything, it's become cool to be involved.
However (as you would expect me to say), approximately 90% of the acts relied upon a fit bird to get votes. Greece's in particular was an absolute corker, but that's hardly the way to judge music is it? Imagine what it would be like if today's musicians filled their videos with scantily-clad women to further their success. Oh...
Anyway, my real gripe with this 'contest' is the 'voting'. The Mrs instigated a game where you had to guess who each country would vote for. I'm rubbish at Geography (my 'D' at A-level tells you that) but even I could work it out. The simple formula is this:
Who are they near?
Who do they used to be part of?
Who are they scared of?
These 3 questions gave you most of the answers. At first I thought it was amusing, then I realised it's fucking pathetic. I have no doubt whatsoever that a few misplaced votes between supposed friendly nations could kick it off big-style. It's that ridiculous.
Our entry was some dude from X-Factor (not a great start) but to be fair he was pretty good and stood a decent chance, but one simple overriding fact stopped him from scoring. We invaded Iraq. As a result, we were overlooked by all but 2 countries (one of whom was Ireland) and ended up last (albeit alhpabetically). The whole thing stinks of petty, overly-political bother-booting. I guarantee if we pulled out and stopped broadcasting the whole thing would fold in a matter of minutes.
Are we that petty? God, I hope not. If that isn't on they might broadcast Casualty instead. Think on...
Sunday 25 May 2008
Growing up? Just grow up will you...
I recently went to a very pleasant engagement party for a friend of the Mrs. She knows the bride to be from Uni so predictably there were many of her former student colleagues in attendance. Being a few years younger than me, the average age of the attendees was around th 24-25 year bracket. Much drink was taken and much injokery ensued.
Early in proceedings it became clear that some kind of contest was being staged, where 'competitors' were judges on how far thery had progressed socially to decide who was the most grown up. Bizarrely (in a non-offensive way), my Mrs won, simply because she was engaged and was in the process of looking for her second house.
To me, this is odd. At her age I already had a mortgage, car and was forging a fledging career, but it seemed this group (many of whom have glittering careers in the upper echelons of society to look forward to) were simply unprepared for the world at large, and deemed any kind of security as a sign of being grown up.
I think a percentage of that is purely financial. I bought my house just before prices rocketed 5 or 6 years ago, so a mortgage was not the financially-crippling millstone it is now. But engagement? I knew 2 engaged couples at Uni, and I didn't deem them particularly grown up. Naive, certainly; stupid, possibly, but grown up? Not really.
I think the simple fact is that despite the fact I'm only 5 years older than this group, society and its outlook has shifted so far as to almost deem it another generation. Don't get me wrong; I don't consider myself particularly mature (skip to the end for evidence) but I think the steps I took in my early twenties (car, career, mortgage, etc) were just the done thing; nobody considered it grown up per se. It was just what you did once you left Uni.
At the end of the day, I could judge this quasi-next generation til the cows come home, but I recently got tutted at by a middle-aged woman because I flicked the V's at a Manchester United poster in Tescos, so I don't know what to believe...
Early in proceedings it became clear that some kind of contest was being staged, where 'competitors' were judges on how far thery had progressed socially to decide who was the most grown up. Bizarrely (in a non-offensive way), my Mrs won, simply because she was engaged and was in the process of looking for her second house.
To me, this is odd. At her age I already had a mortgage, car and was forging a fledging career, but it seemed this group (many of whom have glittering careers in the upper echelons of society to look forward to) were simply unprepared for the world at large, and deemed any kind of security as a sign of being grown up.
I think a percentage of that is purely financial. I bought my house just before prices rocketed 5 or 6 years ago, so a mortgage was not the financially-crippling millstone it is now. But engagement? I knew 2 engaged couples at Uni, and I didn't deem them particularly grown up. Naive, certainly; stupid, possibly, but grown up? Not really.
I think the simple fact is that despite the fact I'm only 5 years older than this group, society and its outlook has shifted so far as to almost deem it another generation. Don't get me wrong; I don't consider myself particularly mature (skip to the end for evidence) but I think the steps I took in my early twenties (car, career, mortgage, etc) were just the done thing; nobody considered it grown up per se. It was just what you did once you left Uni.
At the end of the day, I could judge this quasi-next generation til the cows come home, but I recently got tutted at by a middle-aged woman because I flicked the V's at a Manchester United poster in Tescos, so I don't know what to believe...
Monday 19 May 2008
Where wit and wisdom goes to die
Can anyone remember the last time bumper stickers were funny? Come to think of it, were they ever funny? Surely there is nobody who still deems "Horn broken - watch for finger" as an amusing automotive slogan?
Well there is.
Some absolute knob on the way to work today had two of those yellow diamond stickers in the back window of his people carrier. Make sure you sit down before you read these bastions of hilarity:
"Honk if you're horny"
and
"Orgasm donor"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HA! How amusing! I wish I was as funny as the shithead who came up with those. Brilliant. My sides have split.
At the time I was very much in the "these are the people that are ruining this country" mindset, but having come to write it I'm absolutely livid, and it's not hard to fathom why. Let's face it; they're unbelievably shit. I mean, proper, proper wank. They're not witty, they're not clever and anybody who thinks they are ought to be locked in a room and made to eat every Jim Davidson DVD ever published, one by one.
Maybe then they'll know what it feels like to have crap material forced down their throats. Wankers.
Well there is.
Some absolute knob on the way to work today had two of those yellow diamond stickers in the back window of his people carrier. Make sure you sit down before you read these bastions of hilarity:
"Honk if you're horny"
and
"Orgasm donor"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HA! How amusing! I wish I was as funny as the shithead who came up with those. Brilliant. My sides have split.
At the time I was very much in the "these are the people that are ruining this country" mindset, but having come to write it I'm absolutely livid, and it's not hard to fathom why. Let's face it; they're unbelievably shit. I mean, proper, proper wank. They're not witty, they're not clever and anybody who thinks they are ought to be locked in a room and made to eat every Jim Davidson DVD ever published, one by one.
Maybe then they'll know what it feels like to have crap material forced down their throats. Wankers.
Friday 16 May 2008
Music? No need.
I absolutely hate Radio 1 now. Ten years ago it was great; good music, good presenters (Mark and Lard for example) and a general feeling that they were doing things right. I happily admit to listening to it to and from work every day and to a certain extent you could say they provided the soundtrack to my life for a few years.
Not any more though.
How come every correspondent they have is a camp Jock? I'm not gayist or Jockist but that's all we hear. Entertainment, movies, you name it, there's one of our softly-spoken cousins from north of the border sticking his two penneth in.
Their playlist is a shambles. To a certain extent that can be blamed on the quality of music being released these days, but instead of providing a balanced outlook on what people are listening to these days, they just stick with the most popular genre of the moment. I must admit that in the BritPop era that was ace for me, but now it's all guns and ho's I realise just how annoying it must have been for non-fans of 90's guitar tunes. For the last time, people, saying your name repeatedly and 'ice' or 'shorty' does not a good tune make.
Last but not least (mainly because it drove me to write this blog) is something omnipresent Currys-botherer Edith "I shag musicians, me" Bowman said today.
She was reviewing upcoming films with, you guessed it, a camp Scotsman, when they came to the end of the segment. This is verbatim what she said:
"OK, let's get a couple of songs out of the way then we'll carry on with the reviews"
At what point did Radio 1 stop treating music as the staple of their output? Clearly these days they're more bothered about fawning over the latest movies, Lost and B-list celebrities to bother with all that music lark.
41 years it's been going. At one time it was the pinnacle of forward-thinking radio. Now it's a shambolic old wreck limping from one bandwagon to the next. In a word, absolutely pathetic.
Not any more though.
How come every correspondent they have is a camp Jock? I'm not gayist or Jockist but that's all we hear. Entertainment, movies, you name it, there's one of our softly-spoken cousins from north of the border sticking his two penneth in.
Their playlist is a shambles. To a certain extent that can be blamed on the quality of music being released these days, but instead of providing a balanced outlook on what people are listening to these days, they just stick with the most popular genre of the moment. I must admit that in the BritPop era that was ace for me, but now it's all guns and ho's I realise just how annoying it must have been for non-fans of 90's guitar tunes. For the last time, people, saying your name repeatedly and 'ice' or 'shorty' does not a good tune make.
Last but not least (mainly because it drove me to write this blog) is something omnipresent Currys-botherer Edith "I shag musicians, me" Bowman said today.
She was reviewing upcoming films with, you guessed it, a camp Scotsman, when they came to the end of the segment. This is verbatim what she said:
"OK, let's get a couple of songs out of the way then we'll carry on with the reviews"
At what point did Radio 1 stop treating music as the staple of their output? Clearly these days they're more bothered about fawning over the latest movies, Lost and B-list celebrities to bother with all that music lark.
41 years it's been going. At one time it was the pinnacle of forward-thinking radio. Now it's a shambolic old wreck limping from one bandwagon to the next. In a word, absolutely pathetic.
Presumably they flew the other way round the world...
Air travel is a regular part of a lot of my colleague's lives. With offices all over the UK and Europe it is quite common for people to hop on a plane throughout the week. I myself flew to and from Germany this week. It's no big deal and you just get on with it.
Of course, you know there is a 'however' coming...
A couple of 'ladies' from our office returned from a business trip today and were seen to be leaving the building at 2pm. When asked about their premature departure, they declared jet lag as the issue and went on their merry way.
This information was passed to me sometime later and I expressed sympathy for them, having spent the better part of 8 hours in airports and airplanes in the last week. I summised that they must have flown halfway round the world to feel like this.
Er, no.
They flew to...Glasgow.
From Leeds.
And had jet lag.
Wankers.
Of course, you know there is a 'however' coming...
A couple of 'ladies' from our office returned from a business trip today and were seen to be leaving the building at 2pm. When asked about their premature departure, they declared jet lag as the issue and went on their merry way.
This information was passed to me sometime later and I expressed sympathy for them, having spent the better part of 8 hours in airports and airplanes in the last week. I summised that they must have flown halfway round the world to feel like this.
Er, no.
They flew to...Glasgow.
From Leeds.
And had jet lag.
Wankers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)