Eurovision? More like Euro-mutual-wankfest

What a pile of shite. I mean, what a stench-ridden, cyst-riddled load of old cobblerage the Eurovision Song Contest has become.

Now, before we start, let me state that I never thought it was some kind of European musical barometer. Well, to be fair it is, insofar as it showed how utterly awful any European music that isn't from these shores is. That said, Eurovision evokes images of badly-moustachioed men and equally hairy women from a long-lost Balkan region oom-pa-pa-ing their way to European mediocrity.

Not any more, though.

Firstly, they're trying. We usually put out a right load of horse. Not since Katrina and the Waves have we actually tried to win the thing, but now they've got proper music; proper performers; even proper producers (if you consider Timbaland any good). If anything, it's become cool to be involved.

However (as you would expect me to say), approximately 90% of the acts relied upon a fit bird to get votes. Greece's in particular was an absolute corker, but that's hardly the way to judge music is it? Imagine what it would be like if today's musicians filled their videos with scantily-clad women to further their success. Oh...

Anyway, my real gripe with this 'contest' is the 'voting'. The Mrs instigated a game where you had to guess who each country would vote for. I'm rubbish at Geography (my 'D' at A-level tells you that) but even I could work it out. The simple formula is this:

Who are they near?
Who do they used to be part of?
Who are they scared of?

These 3 questions gave you most of the answers. At first I thought it was amusing, then I realised it's fucking pathetic. I have no doubt whatsoever that a few misplaced votes between supposed friendly nations could kick it off big-style. It's that ridiculous.

Our entry was some dude from X-Factor (not a great start) but to be fair he was pretty good and stood a decent chance, but one simple overriding fact stopped him from scoring. We invaded Iraq. As a result, we were overlooked by all but 2 countries (one of whom was Ireland) and ended up last (albeit alhpabetically). The whole thing stinks of petty, overly-political bother-booting. I guarantee if we pulled out and stopped broadcasting the whole thing would fold in a matter of minutes.

Are we that petty? God, I hope not. If that isn't on they might broadcast Casualty instead. Think on...