The only secret is it's worse that fancy dress...

Until recently, I thought fancy dress was the worst idea of all time. Of course I mean within a particular societal domain; I'm sure things like DVD piracy and the rise of the Nazi empire will rank higher on some people's irk list, but this really gets on my tits. However, a chance conversation with a colleague highlighted something even more pointless and pathetic than dressing as Cruela de Ville for the entertainment of others.

Secret Santa.

Dear God, is there a worse idea in civilisation today? Just the idea of fully-grown, supposed right-minded adults wasting eight quid on a novelty mug coaster fills me with a dread I can barely put into words.

Of course, the yay-saying brigade will immediately roll out the standard "Don't be so miserable, it's a bit of fun" argument, to which I always reply "How starved of fun are you to deem exchanging worthless, risque gifts anonymously as anything but immature idiocy?". That usually foxes them.

I think my biggest issue with it is the potential for flirtation. I'm not daft, nor naive; I know how the world works. I bet a decent percentage of office-based staff are looking for a bit of extra-marital slap and tickle, and see the old Secret Santa as an opportunity to test the water, sex-wise. Picture the scene; man fancies woman, man buys chocolate body paint for woman anonymously, woman opens gift and thinks it's ace, man approaches woman, man ruts women (consensually of course). To that end it's a good idea, but for anybody who isn't after a bit of extra-curricular sauce, what excuse could you possibly have?

My disdain for all things festive doesn't need further airing here, but I can get into most of the facets of yuletide existence. The after-work drinking, for example, is a hoot. And the presents don't hurt either. (Apart from one time, when I got an electric Lego helicopter which I built in the bath, but that's not for now...)

In conclusion, if you must buy a present for one of your ill-liked colleagues, have the balls to give it to them in person. Maybe even go so far as to put your hand in your pocket and fork out more than a fiver, rather than giving them an oversized pencil with "Visit Edinburgh" scrawled up the side. The alternative is to spend your money on something useful, like heating or petrol or somesuch, but that's not in keeping with Christmas is it?

Jesus wept. And on his birthday, too...