Crymewotch

I frequent a perfectly adequate petrol station a couple of times a week on my way home. I won't bore you with the details, but let's just say that I used it to purchase more fuel for my car, plus the occasional impulse purchase of a cola-based drink, some kind of jelly sweets or the cheapest brand of Merlot available at the time. That's all you really need to know.

Anyway, an ongoing theme at this place is the penchant for the owner to print pictures of fuel thieves ('bilkers', for those who watch TV's Traffic Cops), along with name-calling and general abuse at their expense. I find it very amusing, not least because the word 'allegedly' is always included in a tiny font somewhere on the page to keep things above board legally.

The formula is standard; a still from the CCTV footage of the tea leaf (usually a chap), which is then embellished with digs at the protagonist's taste in clothing, a mention of the amount they stole and copious use of the asterisk to blank out the author's true feelings on the miscreant. I think it's a good idea, not least because it highlights the baddie to the general public and drags their name through the mud.

There is another reason that I enjoy these regular dips into the fuel-pinching underworld, however. The quality of the spelling is monumentally awful.

Case in point: the latest entry should say "Thieving chav b*s*a*d", but actually says "Thieve chave b*s*a*d". Without a hint of irony, the writer has successfully replaced letters in the word 'bastard' so it still makes sense, but spelt every other word incorrectly. Don't get me wrong, the point was made (complete with something like 18,000 exclamation marks to ram the point home) but the poor bugger makes himself look like a bit of a gimp with his basic lack of spelling nous.

Literally every one is in some way appallingly written, which unerringly lends to its charm. I think the next time I'm in I might pull him to one side and give him a bit of spelling and grammar advice. There's no way that would go wrong.

I can see the next issue now; a snap of me on the forecourt above the headline "Patrunisin cnut baned from this stashion".

It's not the worst thing I've been called. This year...