So ends the latest satirical swipe at a member of the celebrity fraternity; in this case, potato-faced razz-merchant Wayne "Always a Blue" Rooney.
I'm sure you've read by now that Mr Rooney has, borrowing from popular tabloid parlance, 'been up to his nuts in guts' extra-maritally. The lucky 'lady' in question is some high-class Mancunian prostitute (for 'high-class' read 'charges over a grand a night for her services and only hangs around in places were people are rich/stupid enough to fork out that kind of money for such a transaction'). Apparently, Roo (copyright: The Sun) met said tom in a casino in Manchester and, not to put too fine a point on it, fancied the arse off her. He subsequently paid for several nights with her, all around the time that both Coleen was up the stick with his firstborn and he was in the form of his life on the pitch (insert 'scoring', 'tackle' and 'in and around the box' gags here).
Of course, this is isn't on, as Coleen sat at home brewing his demon seed, while he allegedly chased this expensive piece of crumpet around, shagging her whenever his wallet allowed. And of course, she didn't say a dickie bird about it at the time, choosing only to bring it up once his interest had died down and the press were after someone else to go for in the event of John Terry's todger staying where it ought to.
Naturally, all hell has broken loose to the extent that he was dropped for the next league game (away to Everton; an event Sky would deem 'ironic' when it's merely coincidental) and the press have spent literally 10 days poring over his life, sticking up for the wronged wife (in no way linked to her status as a chav-level national treasure) whilst painting him to be the devil incarnate.
Now, he's done this kind of thing before. We all remember the infamous granny-shagging days when he was but a slip of a lad, and Coleen (rightly or wrongly) chose to forgive him and take him back. My lawyers instruct me to make it clear that her decision had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she was trying to forge a media career and would be effectively skint and a nobody without Rooney's status and brass at the time. So what's she going to do this time? The pair of them have asked for privacy in this difficult time (borrowing heavily from the '21st Century Celebrity Couple's Guide to Manipulating the Press') while she presumably gives him a bollocking and throws a series of revolting yet expensive plates at him. One can only guess. Personally, I think she should kick him into touch now, as he's proven that he respects her enough to shag grannies and prossies while she's pregnant behind her back. Cynical though it may be, she's now got enough money and fame to make it on her own, and she could easily claim half of his possessions due to his adulterous behaviour. Surely she can't love the balding Shrek-a-like enough to tolerate this kind of activity, and if she does, he knows he's got carte blanche to do anything and anyone he wants in the future, knowing he can just put on his puppy-dog eyes and come back with his tail between his legs (for a change).
Either way, it always ends up coming down to an uncomfortable truth. At the end of the day, Rooney's despicable, immature and unpleasant behaviour can be explained as follows.
The hooker is fitter than Coleen. Much, much fitter.
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