It's me who's the victim, love

People are always picking on me.

I could have a PhD in Minding My Own Business, especially when I'm driving, but those around me seek to shatter my otherwise calm and controlled demeanour with swear words and imaginative hand gestures. I could live with it if I was some kind of loutish, tailgating maniac, but most of the time I'm just the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I was on my way to work t'other day when a pleasant, well-to-do young lady decided against the laws of physics and pulled out in front of me with barely 30 yards clearance. Gently depressing the brake pedal, I carefully ventured to the centre of the road to see if there was an opportunity to pass this delight of the female form and avoid rear-ending her. Such an opportunity was not there, alas, and I had to make do with a heavy, albeit awesomely controlled halt behind her.

We carried on our merry way, up hill and down dale, taking in the sights and sounds of the crisp early morn, the song of the lark caressing the breeze. All was well. A few minutes of utopian conditions passed then my erstwhile goddess-like driving partner opted to turn right. Again, a controlled braking manouvre ensued and she turned as expected. However, I couldn't help but notice a gentle, almost poetic hand gesture that she passed to me as we parted, that suggested I partook in the vigorous act of self-abuse on a regular occasion. Either that or her Elizabeth Duke was sliding off her wrist and needed sliding back.

Clearly on her way to Finishing School, I felt it relevant to offer her a sweet smile and a polite wave to acknowedge receipt of her opinion. Suffice to say, she went apeshit.

I'm still not entirely sure how this was my fault. She pulled out in front of me causing me to be nearly cut in half by my own seatbelt, yet she proceeded on her journey at a monumentally slow pace, only to opine that I was some kind of self-intefererer and wanted to let me know. Then again, I may have misread the whole situation. Maybe she felt guilty about her automotive faux pas, and was offering some kind of recompense for my trouble. Sadly, I will never know.

Another time, I was frequenting my local petrol station and happened upon a scene of chaos. Every pump was taken and I had no option but to queue. I then noticed a lady in front of me who had just finished filling up (her car, not crying) and her other half had gone in to pay. I therefore gently rolled up behind her, ever-so-delicately pipped my horn and motioned that she might move forward just a few yards so I could refuel while she waited for her knuckle-dragger to return. Happily she obliged and all was well.

Now, to be fair, there was then a moment of slight provocation. My friend Kev decided that an elaborate, sarcastic round of applause was necessary for the young vixen, seemingly because in his opinion it had taken her too long to move forward. I must confess that I didn't share that opinion, but nothing untoward resulted and on we went. I refuelled the car while Kev refuelled Kev in the shop. As I was putting the pump back in its holster the husband returned. A few words were exchanged between he and his lovely spouse before she opened her door, leaned out, looked me squarely in the eye, and with the vocal dexterity of a young Oscar Wilde proceeded to declare "Fucking knob". Doors were slammed, cars were accelerated and I was left bewildered as to why I was the target of this not-entirely-untrue sentiment.

I made my way to the checkout and was apprehended by the security guard, who declared that it was company policy for patrons to pay for their fuel before moving their car. I countered that as the station had recently been converted into a minature store, people were spending increased lengths of time out of their cars, leavng the evident queues. He suggested that it was no harm to wait, and that I should desist from using foul language towards him. To this day I cannot think of the word I am supposed to have said, but I conceded that this gentleman was indeed a fucking prick and withdrew from the debate.

I'm no angel, I'll admit. But can somebody tell me why I end up being the victim to these socially unarmed oxygen-wasters? Anybody?