Frequently, when I read or talk about 'celeb' magazines like Heat and Closer, I get so het up that steam begins to come out of my ears and I revert to the language of working class Essex girl pissed on tart fuel. I make no secret of the fact that I quite enjoy reading these magazines for some unknown reason, despite the fact that they drive me round the twist with murderous aggression.
However, we've had a breakthrough.
I think I've worked out what gets me so arsed, and as a result, I appear to have made my peace with this kind of magazine and can enjoy perving over pictures of Colleen Nolan without getting upset. Basically, the stories are so banal and pointless, that there can't be a single person on God's green earth (or elsewhere for that matter) who could bring themselves to give any kind of shite about what is written within the pages of these glossy tomes.
I'll give you a few examples. I probably read about 3 of this type of mag last week. Selected """"highlights"""" include:
- Chantelle from Big Brother isn't happy with her body and wants a breast reduction
- Kerry Katona went on a bike ride
- Mischa Barton has put weight on
- Peter Andre went to a party and had his photo taken with a couple of trannies
Let the concept of these stories sink in for a minute, then see if you could possibly care about any of them. Didn't think so.
There are 2 sides to these stories. On the one hand, there's the teller's angle. Apart from Katona who was merely snapped on her epic bike ride round a park, the others have come to the press to tell their story. If I had put weight on, or wasn't happy with my figure, I can't think of anything I'd be less likely to do than inform the press. Who gives a shit what I think about myself? As if someone's sat at home thinking "Do you know what, I'm not fully clear on Chantelle from Big Brother's current body hang-ups. I hope she lets us know in the pages of the popular press soon". If you're not happy about it, love, sort it out in your own time. Don't go whining to the press (complete with half a dozen posed bikini shots, mind. She's clearly dead upset with her appearance if she can do that). Instead, get off your arse and either do some exercise or go to a plaggy surgeon to get your hang-ups de-hanged. You might want to ask for a brain transplant while you're at it.
The other side of the coin is the press angle. 1 of 2 scenarios must play out for this kind of drivel to hit the news stands:
- A meeting is called between the journos of Twat Magazine, where they decide that they're going to find out if Peter Andre has been to any transvestite-themed clubs lately and report thereon, or
- Pedro rings them up to say he's about to nip out to The Sausage Club, and the sheer glamour and interest generated leads the press pack to hot-foot it after him before one of the more respected rags gets the exclusive rights to the undoubtedly phenomenal photos.
Either way, it's a right pile of old slurry. As I said earlier, there can't be anyone who deems such tripe even remotely noteworthy. It has come to my attention that some women actually revel in the fact that certain celebrities have put on a stone since January (often it's the particularly good-looking women who think this, bizarrely). Surely there can't be water fountain conversations about the majority of the material covered though:
Bimbo 1: "Hey, have you seen them photos of Kerry Katona on a bike?"
Bimbo 2: "I know. Awesome!!"
Bimbo 1: "Tell me about it. To think she rides bikes and we didn't know about it until now. I don't know how I functioned before I knew this information"
Bimbo 2: "My entire life has been leading up to this moment"
Bimbo 3: "My stapler's blue!"
Bimbo 2: "No way! You should ring Heat and tell them"
Bimbo 3: "Already did. There's an 8-page spread in next week's edition. Plus I've been given a 6-month residency on Loose Women and my own property programme"
Bimbo 1: "Bitch"
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