Thanks to Stella McCartney sticking her oar in, companies are beginning to subscribe to the idea of 'Meat-free Monday', where you opt out of eating meat for one day, making the world a better place.
The idea is that the cultivation, production and transportation of meat products costs a right shitload, so by not having it for one day, you're effectively reducing the demand, ergo you reduce the global carbon footprint, theoretically by 20%
A nice idea, I'm sure you'll agree.
It'll never work, I'm sure you'll agree.
Hand in hand with this is a strategy at my company to improve their global positioning in terms of impact on the environment, improving working practices and all the other buzzword-laden twaddle people do to look good when jobs are on the line. Don't get me wrong, it's a noble project and I have the utmost respect for those trying to 'realise the dream' as it were, but they seem to have missed one small element in the uptake of their grand plan.
The attitude of the British.
More specifically, the attitude of the British at the company where I work.
We were all treated to an hour-long presentation about the aforementioned vision, taking in the various projects we're involved in and showing us exactly what they're planning to do. All very impressive and worthwhile, but people in the UK are a bit, well, cynical. I know, incredible isn't it?
After the event, a lot of "What the chuff was that all about?" could be heard around the building, as people who pack boxes for a living wondered quite why we're so bothered about working practice in the Third World. However, visiting the canteen was the best gauge of where we are in our own pursuit of the project.
"It were crap" was all I got out of our gurning plate-monkeys. They had their arse out because of the Meat-Free Monday idea, which they thought was a huge waste of time. Roughly translated, that means they can't just get away with lobbing sausages for breakfast, and they might have to open the occasional tin of beans.
The option to go meat-free has been available for a couple of weeks now, so I asked how it had been going since it's inception. Their response was thus:
"We had to stop offering it to the folk in the warehouse, cos they thought it meant they got free meat for the day"
I'm guessing that it isn't going to take off quite as well as management had hoped...
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
Mobile Phones: Also make calls
I've reached a watershed in life.
I'm now at that age when all I want my phone to do is make and receive calls.
Since the back end of the 90's, I've had a mobile phone. In those halcyon days of fledgling mobile communications, they were still brick-sized and had the technological advancements of a Speak 'n' Spell. Gradually though, they started getting all kinds of clever gizmos; camera, video, Internet, and now you can see whether your shelves are level. How clever.
The problem is though, in amongst all of this LCD-based jiggery-pokery, we forgot about the calls, man. The reason why we bought the chuffing thing in the first place.
It's no surprise today to learn that mobiles are wank. Plastic, barely-put-together pieces of chuckaway tripe which last 5 minutes before you're calling the Helpdesk (ironically) complaining that it's bust. To save on brass, I recently switched from a 12-month to 18-month contract, which also meant I got a better phone. And by 'better' I mean 'fell apart in the Trafford Centre a couple of months after I got it when I dared to open it and attempt to send a text'.
In that event, I went back to my previous phone; a solid, black and silver clamshell Nokia which I'd had for donkey's years. Very pleased was I, as I smugly made calls and what have you whilst others carried handfuls of broken plastic components which used to resemble an iPhone. However, last week, my phone decided enough was enough, and in the space of around a week went from being AOK to being fucked. And by 'fucked' I actually mean 'got on my tits to such an extent that I chucked it into the footwell of my car and it more or less exploded'.
Long story short, I popped into Asda, and for a score got myself a pay-as-you-go phone, which I simply put my contract SIM in and I haven't looked back. Alright, it's not going to win any design awards, and Carol Vorderman has to pop round to help me send a text, but it WORKS, which is something of a novelty in the mobile phone world these days.
The irony is, the older and more financially viable we become, the more we hark back to cheap and cheerful technology which actually works. That said, I've only had it a week, and in all likelihood I'll be popping back to Asda with a handful of plastic components in the near future...
I'm now at that age when all I want my phone to do is make and receive calls.
Since the back end of the 90's, I've had a mobile phone. In those halcyon days of fledgling mobile communications, they were still brick-sized and had the technological advancements of a Speak 'n' Spell. Gradually though, they started getting all kinds of clever gizmos; camera, video, Internet, and now you can see whether your shelves are level. How clever.
The problem is though, in amongst all of this LCD-based jiggery-pokery, we forgot about the calls, man. The reason why we bought the chuffing thing in the first place.
It's no surprise today to learn that mobiles are wank. Plastic, barely-put-together pieces of chuckaway tripe which last 5 minutes before you're calling the Helpdesk (ironically) complaining that it's bust. To save on brass, I recently switched from a 12-month to 18-month contract, which also meant I got a better phone. And by 'better' I mean 'fell apart in the Trafford Centre a couple of months after I got it when I dared to open it and attempt to send a text'.
In that event, I went back to my previous phone; a solid, black and silver clamshell Nokia which I'd had for donkey's years. Very pleased was I, as I smugly made calls and what have you whilst others carried handfuls of broken plastic components which used to resemble an iPhone. However, last week, my phone decided enough was enough, and in the space of around a week went from being AOK to being fucked. And by 'fucked' I actually mean 'got on my tits to such an extent that I chucked it into the footwell of my car and it more or less exploded'.
Long story short, I popped into Asda, and for a score got myself a pay-as-you-go phone, which I simply put my contract SIM in and I haven't looked back. Alright, it's not going to win any design awards, and Carol Vorderman has to pop round to help me send a text, but it WORKS, which is something of a novelty in the mobile phone world these days.
The irony is, the older and more financially viable we become, the more we hark back to cheap and cheerful technology which actually works. That said, I've only had it a week, and in all likelihood I'll be popping back to Asda with a handful of plastic components in the near future...
Thursday, 17 September 2009
When the president calls you a jackass...
Kanye West really is the end of a bell, isn't he?
A couple of years ago he made himself look like something of an arse when he complained on-stage at an awards ceremony that his video should have won the Best Video award because it was better and cost more than the actual winner. The fact that Pamela Anderson was in it also seemed to be some kind of deal-sealer in his shaded eyes. He was lampooned and ridiculed by most people in music circles as being self-involved and, you know, a bit of a twat.
With such pleasantries ringing in his ears, you would have thought he would think twice about any future outbursts, be them directly to the press or overheard and repeated. He can't afford to drop any more bollocks lest he be deemed an outcast by his peers.
Which makes his latest episode all the more amusing.
At this week's VMA awards, he thought it would be a good idea to interrupt Taylor Swift's award for Best Video (note the pattern), pinch the mic off the poor bint, then declare that Beyonce's video was in fact better. He literally took the mic off her, then proceeded to steal her thunder. All this after crashing the stage uninvited.
Beyonce's arse dropped as the camera focused on her and Swift looked proper upset, all while this lurching goon stood there professing his ill-thought-out and (most importantly) uninvited opinions on the relative merits of the videos. He left the stage, and was promptly booted out for his troubles while the festivities got going again.
His peers were not impressed. Pink called him 'a piece of shit'. President Obama called him a 'jackass', albeit off-camera, but they have a point. Who is this clown anyway? He's made a couple of decent records, which in his mind seems enough to qualify him as a judge on all things musical. Coupled with his aforementioned previous outburst, he's hurtling towards becoming a laughing stock in the industry. That was my prediction when he first came onto the scene, but I presumed it would be due to the quality of his work. Either way, I was right.
Apparently he's apologised a few million times now, including to Taylor Swift directly, and he even showed up all tearful on Jay Leno to repent his sins. That may repair some of the damage caused to the victims of this piece, but I doubt it's going to repair much of the damage caused to his already sinking stock.
Cos he's a cock.
A couple of years ago he made himself look like something of an arse when he complained on-stage at an awards ceremony that his video should have won the Best Video award because it was better and cost more than the actual winner. The fact that Pamela Anderson was in it also seemed to be some kind of deal-sealer in his shaded eyes. He was lampooned and ridiculed by most people in music circles as being self-involved and, you know, a bit of a twat.
With such pleasantries ringing in his ears, you would have thought he would think twice about any future outbursts, be them directly to the press or overheard and repeated. He can't afford to drop any more bollocks lest he be deemed an outcast by his peers.
Which makes his latest episode all the more amusing.
At this week's VMA awards, he thought it would be a good idea to interrupt Taylor Swift's award for Best Video (note the pattern), pinch the mic off the poor bint, then declare that Beyonce's video was in fact better. He literally took the mic off her, then proceeded to steal her thunder. All this after crashing the stage uninvited.
Beyonce's arse dropped as the camera focused on her and Swift looked proper upset, all while this lurching goon stood there professing his ill-thought-out and (most importantly) uninvited opinions on the relative merits of the videos. He left the stage, and was promptly booted out for his troubles while the festivities got going again.
His peers were not impressed. Pink called him 'a piece of shit'. President Obama called him a 'jackass', albeit off-camera, but they have a point. Who is this clown anyway? He's made a couple of decent records, which in his mind seems enough to qualify him as a judge on all things musical. Coupled with his aforementioned previous outburst, he's hurtling towards becoming a laughing stock in the industry. That was my prediction when he first came onto the scene, but I presumed it would be due to the quality of his work. Either way, I was right.
Apparently he's apologised a few million times now, including to Taylor Swift directly, and he even showed up all tearful on Jay Leno to repent his sins. That may repair some of the damage caused to the victims of this piece, but I doubt it's going to repair much of the damage caused to his already sinking stock.
Cos he's a cock.
Monday, 14 September 2009
Breaking News: Er, water is wet?
Here's a fact that'll have you running for the hills in paranoid fear: Sky News take themselves a little too seriously.
On Sky TV, we're treated to two 24-hour news options: Sky and BBC. I personally use them both for different reasons; BBC for well-balanced and non-sensationalised headlines and information, and Sky for the red-button stuff which gives you the headlines whenever you want them.
At a recent family function I was wittering on about how Sky have a propensity for digging up any old twaddle, sticking it on the yellow ticker and deeming in Breaking News, whereas The Beeb tend to be a bit more relaxed and concentrate on things like actual news.
As an exercise in being smug, I proved it. I stuck 503 on where something about Afghanistan was being reported (for a change). No breaking news, no flashing banners, just an update on recent occurrences. I then switched to Sky News and predictably, there was breaking news. It read as follows:
"David Cameron says the NHS is a national institution"
Hmm. Pardon me if I'm wrong (and it's been known to happen), but is this news, or just someone's opinion? Granted, he's in a position of power, but if this is deemed breaking news, surely every opinion he expresses is the same. What next?
"David Cameron says 'This coffee is a bit hot'"
"David Cameron says 'Have you emptied the dishwasher?'"
"David Cameron says 'Look - everything I say ends up on Sky as breaking news. Sweet'"
It's bollocks, isn't it? When I was young, breaking news was a serious business. The Herald of Free Enterprise disaster, for example, or Lockerbie. They actually broke into normal TV to tell you of the unfolding disaster. Don't get me wrong, I can imagine that trying to find newsworthy material 24 hours a day can be a bit of a twat on slow-news days, but that's no reason to dress up someone's throw-away comments as must-read information. By all means report that he said it in the context of the story, but don't flag it as breaking news when it really, truly isn't.
Either that or start a new channel to furnish us with the inner monologues of people in power. Then we'd really find out what David Cameron thinks about Fabio Capello's selection policy. And not before time.
On Sky TV, we're treated to two 24-hour news options: Sky and BBC. I personally use them both for different reasons; BBC for well-balanced and non-sensationalised headlines and information, and Sky for the red-button stuff which gives you the headlines whenever you want them.
At a recent family function I was wittering on about how Sky have a propensity for digging up any old twaddle, sticking it on the yellow ticker and deeming in Breaking News, whereas The Beeb tend to be a bit more relaxed and concentrate on things like actual news.
As an exercise in being smug, I proved it. I stuck 503 on where something about Afghanistan was being reported (for a change). No breaking news, no flashing banners, just an update on recent occurrences. I then switched to Sky News and predictably, there was breaking news. It read as follows:
"David Cameron says the NHS is a national institution"
Hmm. Pardon me if I'm wrong (and it's been known to happen), but is this news, or just someone's opinion? Granted, he's in a position of power, but if this is deemed breaking news, surely every opinion he expresses is the same. What next?
"David Cameron says 'This coffee is a bit hot'"
"David Cameron says 'Have you emptied the dishwasher?'"
"David Cameron says 'Look - everything I say ends up on Sky as breaking news. Sweet'"
It's bollocks, isn't it? When I was young, breaking news was a serious business. The Herald of Free Enterprise disaster, for example, or Lockerbie. They actually broke into normal TV to tell you of the unfolding disaster. Don't get me wrong, I can imagine that trying to find newsworthy material 24 hours a day can be a bit of a twat on slow-news days, but that's no reason to dress up someone's throw-away comments as must-read information. By all means report that he said it in the context of the story, but don't flag it as breaking news when it really, truly isn't.
Either that or start a new channel to furnish us with the inner monologues of people in power. Then we'd really find out what David Cameron thinks about Fabio Capello's selection policy. And not before time.
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