Don't get up, love. I'll sort your mess out

Despite constabularies up and down the country now referring to the coming together of two motor vehicles as a "road traffic collision" as per their shiny new guidelines, it's still an "accident". Apart from that fella who got put away for hiding round corners in his car then suing for all manner of made-up physical complaints, a crash tends to be an accident, with blame attributable one way or the other.

Such a coming together occurred to me this morning.

I was literally stationary in a queue at a traffic light when this - and I choose my words carefully here - moronic gimp managed to punt me up the tailpipe. It wasn't exactly high-speed, but it proper shook me from my Pulse-of-West-Yorkshire-induced daze, I can tell you.

I looked in my mirror to see a blonde bird sat there, and for a second I thought I saw the rebellious glint of a runner in her eye, but by pulling across to the pavement in front of the other drivers I forced her hand and she duly followed.

Now, I've been in this situation before when I was the bumper and some poor soul the bumpee, and the protocol is thus:

- You both get out
- You throw yourself a their mercy, begging on your knees for automotive repentence
- You swap insurance details
- You fuck off

But not this washed-out harpie. Instead:

- I got out
- She peered out of her window and asked "Is mine alright?"
- I bit my tongue lest I set about her with a tyre iron
- She said "I'm really sorrer" which I'm told is the local dialect equivlant of "My deepest apologies, squire"
- Bereft of speech, I left the scene

There was no damage to either car that I could see, so I wasn't that arsed about her not giving the shiniest of shites about the situation, but you'd have thought she could have got off her backside and had a quick butcher's, if only to check her hairdressermobile was unscathed. I thought I was reasonably diplomatic (which may or may not be deemed by others as 'overly assertive') but I didn't swear or take her to task when she wouldn't get out of the car, so she didn't really have an excuse not to get involved.

I think we've all learnt from this. She's learnt that, yes, there are people out there daft enough to clear up her mess for her, meaning she'll probably trundle through life using her ample bosom (possibly) and loose sexual morals (almost certainly) to get what she wants. I've learnt that sometimes violence isn't the answer. It's a good day.