There was a time, at the back end of the nineties, when Jordan was fit. Human-sized tits and a human-shaped fizzog adorned a well-put-together chassis. Yes she was a she-chav, covered in pink tracksuits and enough make-up to mend a Cumbrian bridge, but everything was where it should be, and I liked it.
Skip forward to the present day, and she's done it all. Shagged Yorkie, been in a sex video with burger fan Dane Bowers, married the first bloke to show an ounce of interest in what was behind the plastic, divorced his ass and gone back to the jungle for 'closure'. I'm surprised she's had time to get under the knife during all that.
She faces something of a problem these days, however. Nobody gives a shit about her anymore.
Previously, people seemed to warm to her because she was a genuine (if massively dense) person. Yes, she was trading off her looks, but she seemed a decent sort and she wasn't averse to getting her cans out, so we left her be. However, over the years it's become clear that she's quite an astute businesswoman, using the Jordan brand to further her modelling, writing and, yes, singing career. With that came a certain amount of cynicism from the general public, who realised she's not as daft as she seems.
Her latest stunt was to return to the jungle post-Andre, and the public had a field day. Voted for 7 consecutive Bushtucker Trials (whatever the fuck they are), she lost her rag and quit the show. 'Who cares' quoth the masses, as she tried to glean sympathy for herself. She then decided to announce that she was dumping her latest squeeze via the medium of Ant 'n' Dec, rather than sitting the poor chap down and explaining her intentions. Now, I'm not entirely sure what she expected to happen here, but let's face it, most people wouldn't like being given the elbow on national telly, and have sided with the bloke. Nobody in their right mind could think "I know, I'll dump t'other half on the box and people will be like 'Aw, poor Katie. It must be well tough having millions in the bank and being in the press despite not being passably attractive since 2006. My deepest sympathies'"
Having weighed up the many pros and cons in this complex emotional case, I feel she needs to adopt a two-pronged strategy to sort out this mess.
1) Grow up
2) Fuck off out of the press
They say every dog has it's day. I doubt I need to waste time writing the punchline...
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