Lineker's hosting is he? What a Relief.

Why can't the BBC get something as simple as Sport Relief right?

Obviously, it's a noble cause, and not for a second am I criticising the excellent work being done by the various correspondents in raising awareness of issues in underprivileged countries, but by Hell, they don't mind patting themselves on the back in the process, do they?

The entire exercise seemed to be a parade of their gravy train roster. Anyone who's anyone (and a great deal who weren't) were squeezed into the latest fashions and stuck in front of the world's most sycophantic audience to 'um' and 'er' their way through a series of piss-easy links involving another of their licence fee-taking colleagues.

Just look at the names - Lineker, Winkleman, Hammond, Corden, McCall, Bleakley. Each one a fully paid-up member of the Beeb's hip and happening presenting squad, all inoffensive and pretend fashionable. It's a sad indictment of that list when Corden is far and away the most charismatic person on show.

Lineker did his usual mugging to camera, looking like at any minute he might chuck a strop if something didn't go his way. Winkleman set new records in being an airhead. McCall seems to be imploding since the end of Big Brother, lurching around the stage like a drunken aunt, barely fighting back the tears after the same piece showing Moyles crying was churned out for the third time, while Annie Lennox beat the shit out of a piano. Like I said, it's a noble cause, but the whole thing feels like an exercise in self-congratulation, as even people like Alan Shearer were allowed airtime to put across their monotonous witterings.

By the end of the night I was cross; cross that every single presenter they had was from their A-list; cross that the only features mildly amusing (aside from Corden's admittedly brilliant rant at the Sports Personality awards) were existing programmes, rehashed for the evening (Question of Sport, Mock the Week, etc).

Perhaps the thing that grinds my gears the most though is the way they make the crowd whoop and holler, and lob Lemar and that bunch of trannies JLS onto the stage to put their soulful spin on a previously well-delivered song, then say "Now come on, serious faces for a minute" before cutting to Winkleman spectacularly labouring a point about child poverty. It's bad is it, Claudia? Thanks for the heads up.

At the end of the day, several million pounds will be raised, and that is of course fantastic. Not for a minute though should the BBC think that they achieved that. I have no doubt in my mind that I could toddle off the Africa armed with a cheap camera and bring back footage evocative enough to tug at the heart strings of this great nation. We're not stupid; we don't need Richard Hammond to tell us that famine is bad.

If Bono said it though, well...