Apropos to nothing, the Mrs and I have recently been going through potential baby names (calm down Mum, it was just a preparatory exercise). Anyway, we were taking it seriously at first, but by the time we'd got to H and I suggested 'Horace', we knew it wasn't going to end well.
You may recall in the past how I spoke of the dangerously low number of Marks and Graemes left, as new parents seek to name their offspring after celebrities or electrical items. With the greatest will in the world, I don't think many parents will be naming their children Colin or Brian any more. Don't get me wrong; I think they're good, solid names, but they appear dated now and I think we all know a Colin who's a bit of a weapon.
It is therefore now a case of finding a name which is both up to date and not cuntish, which is a minefield to say the least. Not for the first time, I feel myself peering enviously over to our cousins from the social underclass ('chavs' to the layman) who've managed to neatly sew up an entire genre of names by enforcing them on the adolescent fumblings they laughingly refer to as 'children'.
Apologies in advance if you've been burdened by one of the following monikers, but names like Kai, Tyler, Madison, Lewis, Morgan, Finlay, Kian, Kyle, Ashton, Taylor, Ellis, Paige and Lexi are all 100%, bona fide, SHIT. My surname doesn't particularly lend itself well to names anyway, so when you remove the aforementioned council names, plus those considered out of date, what are you left with? Andrew? Gavin? Adolf? It's slightly less difficult to name girls, but if you end up with a boy, you're screwed. The current top 100 names is a combination of biblical names, pet names and those associated with Channel 4's cretin-fest Big Brother. Strip that lot out and you're left with 'John'.
I think the only solution is to get your double-barrel on, and combine two previously unjoined names to form a new supername. I appreciate The Waltons had the idea first, but they can fuck off. How's about these for some envelope pushing trailblazers:
Duncanjohn
Billysteve
Alanian
Mollyholly
Carolalice
On second thoughts, some of these sound like creams to combat vaginal discharge. I'll just call them all Mork.
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