Right, let's get a few things straight:
- I ain't no royalist, fool
- At best I'm ambivalent to their plight
- At no point could I be considered to share the views of the populace
With the joyous news that Prince Harry and Kate Middleton are going to tie the knot, some media outlets have gone into meltdown. The Daily Mail website, for example- usually a bastion of images depicting a myriad soap and music stars in their bikinis - has got its knickers in a right old twist, dedicating nearly all of its stories to the delectable Miss Middleton, lifting the lid on such fascinating stories such as which school she went to, what her parents do for a living and what her friends nicknamed her at school ('Kate Middlebum' incidentally - a new high for fans of creative wordplay).
As usual, such over-the-top hyperbole doesn't particularly bother me, as I couldn't give a shiny shite whether they got married, split up or performed complicated brain surgery on a maimed baboon (actually that's not true, the last one would be awesome). As always, there will be some people who are beside themselves with glee about it, others who will launch a series of well-aimed yet hopelessly vitriolic tirades against them and those (like me) in the middle ground, who pen overly wordy analyses of such events in the vain hope of become an Internet sensation.
The thing is though, it seems that all media coverage is implying that we were all gagging for this to happen; that we were counting down the days until he realised his hair has gone see-through and he looks like Uncle Eddie, so he'd better snare this dusky maiden before she does one to less plummy climes. More than one media outlet has written about how delighted the nation is, and how we're all bound to have spontaneous street parties to celebrate a soldier and an unemployed posh bird getting hitched. Call me a cynic if you will, but I'd be very surprised if all corners of this great nation are as fussed about it as the Home Counties and old ladies with plates depicting Charles and Di looking awkward in a garden.
What next? "Racist assault in London, the nation to put up white-only bunting"?
"Jordan tops "Best top bollocks on a broad' poll"?
"People watch 'I'm a celebrity' without vomiting in anger"?
You can't assume every part of the population feels the same way as you, you know.
At the end of the day, good luck to them. I'm sure all hell's going to break loose as people predict when and where they'll get hitched, and the media shit-storm on the day will do my head in, but I'd appreciate it, media types, if you specified exactly who will be wetting themselves about the news and who instead will be wearing a bowler hat and storming the stage at comedy gigs shouting 'Fuck the pound'*. You owe us that much.
* Visual gag borrowed from a politically switched-on friend.
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