Carbon Footprint: Another Problem Solved

Hold on.....no.....wait.....yep, it's true. I've got another idea. And it's another beauty.

You know me - I'm a big fan of the environment. I recycle (well, I go through that many wine bottles that my bin would be full if I didn't, but it all counts). I'm worried about my carbon footprint, to the point that I spelt out "SAVE OUR PLANET" in burning car tyres on the local park the other day. In fact, I think it's fair to say that after Geldof and that Ghandi character, I'm the most important exponent of change on this planet. And it's about time I started pulling my weight.

My plan was formed when I noticed a thrifty driver closely tailgating a van on the motorway the other day. Clearly he was saving himself 22p in petrol by driving perilously close to the van's bumper and taking advantage of his slipstream. The van cut through the air creating less resistance behind him, allowing the following car to move at the same speed for less fuel. And it got me thinking.

Why not do the same with planes?

Think about it; we send 3-4 planes up in quick succession which are going in roughly the same direction, and they each sit on the tail of the one in front, using slipstream to keep up using less fuel. When the plane nears its destination, it simply drops out of the chain and lands. Fuel saved; planet saved; me lauded.

Now, there is a downside. In some cases, the disturbance in airflow can create 'dirty air' behind which royally fucks up the engines of the following aircraft. We've all seen Top Gun and we're familiar with the plight of Maverick and Goose when they succumb to a flat spin during training (not a day goes by that I don't think of our fallen brother Goose). There is a reasonable possibility that a few planes would drop out of the sky, but think of it this way: We're running out of fuel, not people. That's the sort of tagline that gets you into Government.

To combat the whole 'loads of people dying' issue, we would only queue the planes up over the sea to minimise the risk to folk on the ground. Secondly, we could create a class system of flights, meaning celebs and important people aren't subjected to the queuing system, while package holidays to Magaluf were bundled together like airborne battery hens. These flights would be much cheaper as an incentive, and the passengers would have to sign a disclaimer before they boarded stating that if their carcass ends up in a crumpled, burning heap in the Med, they were fully aware of the risk of not forking out for an upgrade to 'Non-death risk class'. That's the legal element taken care of.

Usually, my plans are firmly stored under 'hare-brained' or 'slapdash', but this one is erring dangerously towards 'genius'. If we could just get Branson or Bono on board to give it the PR push it needs, we'll be picking chavs out of the sea quicker that you can say '18-30'.

In the words of albino monkey-botherer Michael Jackson, "Make that change"...