I’m not what you’d call up to speed with the dark art of stalking. Not least because I’ve got too much to do to find the time, the simple fact is I find the act of surreptitiously following someone against their will a little bit…well…stalkery. On top of that is the fact that I’m constantly beating off the ladeez with a shitty stick, so it’s never been necessary to chase the tail covert-style.
The reason I mention this is because over the last couple of days I have completely inadvertently bumped into a female member of staff on a number of occasions. When I say ‘bumped into’ I don’t mean both turning a corner at the same time with me going “Whoops, I seem to have groped clumsily at your top half there – soz” complete with Carry On-style "Phwoar!". I mean seeing her in public parts of the building (canteen, corridors, on one occasion when she was manning reception as I left for the day) so I’m hardly in Sutcliffe territory.
The thing is, after the third or fourth such meeting she opined that I must be stalking her, as if the very fact that we’d met on multiple occasions in a short space of time meant that I was planning to burn her hair off and bury her on an allotment. Don’t get me wrong, the implication was completely friendly and meant as a joke, but there are 2 possible scenarios I can envisage coming from this when the wrong protagonists are involved:
- The ‘stalker’ actually is stalking the stalkee, albeit cack-handedly. Thinking the game is up, he burns her hair off and buries her on an allotment.
- The stalkee is actually a fully paid-up member of the Bunny Boilers club, and a smear campaign spreads throughout the company and surrounding areas quicker than you can say “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer”
Makes you think, doesn’t it? To the likes of me who revels in piss-taking and general bawdy humour (thank you, Davidson) this kind of mock accusation holds no water. But the more eccentric-minded on either side of the stalker/stalkee relationship could easily take things too far, and before you know it your neighbours are telling ITN that you were quiet but had a penchant for collecting dog dirt in jars in your cellar.
Friday, 20 February 2009
Tuesday, 17 February 2009
Breaking News: Turns out I DO care
This is a real turn up for the books, I don't mind telling you. I mean, in the grand scheme of the things I feel, experience and swear about on a day-to-day basis, this is a biggie.
I actually cared when I found out Jade Goody is dying.
Now, to most human beings, such a reaction is expected; commonplace even. But I'm not most human beings (some maintain I'm not human at all). When stories of this ilk break, more often than not they are met with wide-scale ambivalence from me. Usually because such occurrences don't affect me to any great degree, but mainly because I simply don't care. I don't mean that in a cold-hearted way, but if I cared about every person falling ill or dying, I doubt I'd have time to eat my breakfast.
The story itself broke the other day, when it was announced that her cervical cancer had spread to other parts, and it's now literally a case of "how long?". I heard it on the radio on the way to work and found myself surprisingly saddened to hear it. The sadness was soon overtaken by shock at the simple fact that I cared so much. My opinions of Ms. Goody don't deserve airing here, especially in the light of this news, but the fact this had an impact on me can only suggest that I'm either ill or - gulp - a nice person.
I don't think it's unreasonable to feel dissent or aggression towards the likes of Goody, Katona, Diana, etc - they tend to raise the ire of most folk with their empty-headed, yo-yo-weighting oh-isn't-everything-terrible-for-me-cos-I've got-millions-in-the-bank-but-I'm-depressed cobblers. To say they are detached from reality is something of an understatement, especially when every week their latest toy boy or flower purchase it emblazoned on the cover of tomes such as Heat, Bliss and Cack magazine. They occupy a different sphere to us socially, but that doesn't make them any less susceptible to the big stuff, as Goody's plight has proven. Those with leanings towards made-up fearmonger God might nod knowingly at the "Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away" mantra this episode epitomises.
So where can I go from here, now that I've displayed sadness towards another person's tragedy? For years I've been the king of the non-caring, the bastion of all that it is not to give a shiny shite. And now what? Now, I'm feeling empathy for someone who probably doesn't deserve anything like that from me, but there it is. Personally I'd like to think it's a sign of a growing maturity in yours truly; proof that I'm finally turning that corner and considering other people's feelings and what have you.
I do hope so, because the alternative is too frightening to even contemplate...
I actually cared when I found out Jade Goody is dying.
Now, to most human beings, such a reaction is expected; commonplace even. But I'm not most human beings (some maintain I'm not human at all). When stories of this ilk break, more often than not they are met with wide-scale ambivalence from me. Usually because such occurrences don't affect me to any great degree, but mainly because I simply don't care. I don't mean that in a cold-hearted way, but if I cared about every person falling ill or dying, I doubt I'd have time to eat my breakfast.
The story itself broke the other day, when it was announced that her cervical cancer had spread to other parts, and it's now literally a case of "how long?". I heard it on the radio on the way to work and found myself surprisingly saddened to hear it. The sadness was soon overtaken by shock at the simple fact that I cared so much. My opinions of Ms. Goody don't deserve airing here, especially in the light of this news, but the fact this had an impact on me can only suggest that I'm either ill or - gulp - a nice person.
I don't think it's unreasonable to feel dissent or aggression towards the likes of Goody, Katona, Diana, etc - they tend to raise the ire of most folk with their empty-headed, yo-yo-weighting oh-isn't-everything-terrible-for-me-cos-I've got-millions-in-the-bank-but-I'm-depressed cobblers. To say they are detached from reality is something of an understatement, especially when every week their latest toy boy or flower purchase it emblazoned on the cover of tomes such as Heat, Bliss and Cack magazine. They occupy a different sphere to us socially, but that doesn't make them any less susceptible to the big stuff, as Goody's plight has proven. Those with leanings towards made-up fearmonger God might nod knowingly at the "Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away" mantra this episode epitomises.
So where can I go from here, now that I've displayed sadness towards another person's tragedy? For years I've been the king of the non-caring, the bastion of all that it is not to give a shiny shite. And now what? Now, I'm feeling empathy for someone who probably doesn't deserve anything like that from me, but there it is. Personally I'd like to think it's a sign of a growing maturity in yours truly; proof that I'm finally turning that corner and considering other people's feelings and what have you.
I do hope so, because the alternative is too frightening to even contemplate...
Friday, 6 February 2009
Let 'em moan, let 'em moan, let 'em moan
Thank God the snow’s more or less gone now. No, not because I’ve been unable to get to work (although I was stuck at home on Monday), but because I am sick to the back teeth of people moaning about every single facet of the wintry conditions.
We’ve had people moaning that they couldn’t get to work, that the schools were shut, that the schools were still shut, that the schools weren’t shut, that they’re cars had been stuck for 3 days, that their road hadn’t been gritted. For the love of God, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
I don’t work for the council nor do I hold any particular view of their ability or otherwise to look after the county, but give ‘em a break, will you? It’s not their fault that the snow fell, nor that the gritters can do the square root of bugger all when the snow comes down so quick the road is covered again literally minutes after the last visit. Nor is it their fault that villages on the outskirts of the Moon haven’t yet been reconnected to the outside world; there’s only a finite amount of salt to go round, and motorways tend to be slightly more important than some back road to a grotty little hamlet.
At work, somebody complained that their car was still stuck in the snow 3 days after the first fall. It took a Herculean effort not to say “well get a bloody spade and dig the bastard out then”. They seem to have missed the fact that the temperatures have stayed sub-zero for nearly a week now, so the snow isn’t going to melt. Nor are there any celestial beings akin to the tooth fairy who will dig it out while you sleep. Get a spade and do it yourself. It took me 15 minutes to dig 2 out using a small dust shovel the other day, so stop bleating.
I can symapthise with people who complain that the schools have been shut for too long – when I was at school you needed an imminent nuclear war to close the doors at ours – but there is a genuine danger for kids in the playground. When I was young, had I slipped over in the playground I would’ve been told off for being a cretin and sent on my way, but these days you can take your teacher, school and the entire LEA to court over a scraped knee. Until kids (and more importantly, parents) start taking responsibility for their own actions, the very lightest dusting of snow is likely to see schools slamming their doors quicker that you can say “out of court settlement”
There was also the story of a woman who complained that her daughter’s school hadn’t closed, and that she was worried about falling over in the playground. My legal representatives had advised me against commenting on this story for fear of a record-breaking amount of compensation being payable.
At the end of the day, it’s going to happen. It’s the worst snow in the London area since 1963 in some places, so it’s not like it happens every year. Have the day off, chuck a few snowballs and shut your moaning trap, before I give you something to moan about.
We’ve had people moaning that they couldn’t get to work, that the schools were shut, that the schools were still shut, that the schools weren’t shut, that they’re cars had been stuck for 3 days, that their road hadn’t been gritted. For the love of God, SHUT THE FUCK UP.
I don’t work for the council nor do I hold any particular view of their ability or otherwise to look after the county, but give ‘em a break, will you? It’s not their fault that the snow fell, nor that the gritters can do the square root of bugger all when the snow comes down so quick the road is covered again literally minutes after the last visit. Nor is it their fault that villages on the outskirts of the Moon haven’t yet been reconnected to the outside world; there’s only a finite amount of salt to go round, and motorways tend to be slightly more important than some back road to a grotty little hamlet.
At work, somebody complained that their car was still stuck in the snow 3 days after the first fall. It took a Herculean effort not to say “well get a bloody spade and dig the bastard out then”. They seem to have missed the fact that the temperatures have stayed sub-zero for nearly a week now, so the snow isn’t going to melt. Nor are there any celestial beings akin to the tooth fairy who will dig it out while you sleep. Get a spade and do it yourself. It took me 15 minutes to dig 2 out using a small dust shovel the other day, so stop bleating.
I can symapthise with people who complain that the schools have been shut for too long – when I was at school you needed an imminent nuclear war to close the doors at ours – but there is a genuine danger for kids in the playground. When I was young, had I slipped over in the playground I would’ve been told off for being a cretin and sent on my way, but these days you can take your teacher, school and the entire LEA to court over a scraped knee. Until kids (and more importantly, parents) start taking responsibility for their own actions, the very lightest dusting of snow is likely to see schools slamming their doors quicker that you can say “out of court settlement”
There was also the story of a woman who complained that her daughter’s school hadn’t closed, and that she was worried about falling over in the playground. My legal representatives had advised me against commenting on this story for fear of a record-breaking amount of compensation being payable.
At the end of the day, it’s going to happen. It’s the worst snow in the London area since 1963 in some places, so it’s not like it happens every year. Have the day off, chuck a few snowballs and shut your moaning trap, before I give you something to moan about.
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
Wanted: Prejudices for national broadcast
In today’s 24-hour news culture, we’re ‘treated’ to the same 30 seconds of footage every 20 minutes. I can imagine that it is quite an expensive business to send a correspondent to the back of beyond to film a piece, so they’re keen to reuse the same piece of film repeatedly rather than leave them on location all day to repeat the same thing over and over.
However, it seems that they’re not so prudent when it comes to vetting the members of the public they use for such pieces.
At present, there are 2 big stories in this country; the current heavy snowfalls which have caused a minor amount of chaos around the UK, and the ongoing strike at some power stations because foreign workers have been drafted in to do jobs that British people could do.
Both are important stories on a national scale, and have been amply covered in the various news outlets over the past 24 hours. The problem is, such was the BBC’s panic to get some of those affected to offer their opinions for these reports, they clean forgot to listen to what was being said and think “Hold on a minute, if we put that out we’re going to look like right tools”
For the snow story, they hovered around London asking commuters of their opinions. As you can imagine, a few of them were less than chuffed at the scale of disruption, with most bemoaning the lack of viable transport in the capital.
Then this clown stepped up:
“It’s an absolute disgrace. It’s like living in a third world country”
Is it, squire? Is the suspension of bus services because of a natural weather phenomenon in any way the same as a country with next to zero literacy, food or transport infrastructure, not to mention often been ruled by unmoveable despots who kill you if you happen to disagree with them? Now, everyone’s entitled to their opinion, but surely the Beeb will look a tad foolish for allowing these sort of small-minded goons the oxygen of airtime on their station?
The we move onto the power strikes, were hordes of woolly hat-wearing brainiacs stand about with their hands in their pockets, occasionally ringing their mates when they’re in the background of a camera shot or to hold up a badly-written sign deploring thhe very existence of people from other countries. Again, a few talking heads were employed to give their well-thought-out theories, then we were treated to this beautiful piece of prose:
“The problem with the Portguese and the Iti’s is you can’t work with them”
Jesus Christ. Surely alarm bells would have been ringing when this barely-concealed racist diatribe was put forth? Bear in mind this wasn’t live, so the reporter had ample chance to think “Bloody hell, we don’t want this sort of hatred on the airwaves; let’s ask someone else’, but it was allowed to stand.
Again, everyone’s entitled to their opinion (however small-minded and ill-considered it is), but surely the media outlets (especially the BBC which is paid for by the public) have a duty to keep this kind of guff off the airwaves? I guess they have to offer a cross-section of opinions on all stories they cover, but surely they can spot the difference between someone’s point of view and their petty prejudices.
What is most thought-provoking is in the light of the Ross/Brand scandal, now more than every the Beeb is keeping an eye on its output, which leads me to believe this has been viewed and passed by someone in a position of management. If that’s the case, then I can only conclude that they either agree with these kind of sentiments or simply want to stir up trouble.
Either way, we’re paying for it. Cheek.
However, it seems that they’re not so prudent when it comes to vetting the members of the public they use for such pieces.
At present, there are 2 big stories in this country; the current heavy snowfalls which have caused a minor amount of chaos around the UK, and the ongoing strike at some power stations because foreign workers have been drafted in to do jobs that British people could do.
Both are important stories on a national scale, and have been amply covered in the various news outlets over the past 24 hours. The problem is, such was the BBC’s panic to get some of those affected to offer their opinions for these reports, they clean forgot to listen to what was being said and think “Hold on a minute, if we put that out we’re going to look like right tools”
For the snow story, they hovered around London asking commuters of their opinions. As you can imagine, a few of them were less than chuffed at the scale of disruption, with most bemoaning the lack of viable transport in the capital.
Then this clown stepped up:
“It’s an absolute disgrace. It’s like living in a third world country”
Is it, squire? Is the suspension of bus services because of a natural weather phenomenon in any way the same as a country with next to zero literacy, food or transport infrastructure, not to mention often been ruled by unmoveable despots who kill you if you happen to disagree with them? Now, everyone’s entitled to their opinion, but surely the Beeb will look a tad foolish for allowing these sort of small-minded goons the oxygen of airtime on their station?
The we move onto the power strikes, were hordes of woolly hat-wearing brainiacs stand about with their hands in their pockets, occasionally ringing their mates when they’re in the background of a camera shot or to hold up a badly-written sign deploring thhe very existence of people from other countries. Again, a few talking heads were employed to give their well-thought-out theories, then we were treated to this beautiful piece of prose:
“The problem with the Portguese and the Iti’s is you can’t work with them”
Jesus Christ. Surely alarm bells would have been ringing when this barely-concealed racist diatribe was put forth? Bear in mind this wasn’t live, so the reporter had ample chance to think “Bloody hell, we don’t want this sort of hatred on the airwaves; let’s ask someone else’, but it was allowed to stand.
Again, everyone’s entitled to their opinion (however small-minded and ill-considered it is), but surely the media outlets (especially the BBC which is paid for by the public) have a duty to keep this kind of guff off the airwaves? I guess they have to offer a cross-section of opinions on all stories they cover, but surely they can spot the difference between someone’s point of view and their petty prejudices.
What is most thought-provoking is in the light of the Ross/Brand scandal, now more than every the Beeb is keeping an eye on its output, which leads me to believe this has been viewed and passed by someone in a position of management. If that’s the case, then I can only conclude that they either agree with these kind of sentiments or simply want to stir up trouble.
Either way, we’re paying for it. Cheek.
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