Revealed: Britain's worst stalker

I’m not what you’d call up to speed with the dark art of stalking. Not least because I’ve got too much to do to find the time, the simple fact is I find the act of surreptitiously following someone against their will a little bit…well…stalkery. On top of that is the fact that I’m constantly beating off the ladeez with a shitty stick, so it’s never been necessary to chase the tail covert-style.

The reason I mention this is because over the last couple of days I have completely inadvertently bumped into a female member of staff on a number of occasions. When I say ‘bumped into’ I don’t mean both turning a corner at the same time with me going “Whoops, I seem to have groped clumsily at your top half there – soz” complete with Carry On-style "Phwoar!". I mean seeing her in public parts of the building (canteen, corridors, on one occasion when she was manning reception as I left for the day) so I’m hardly in Sutcliffe territory.

The thing is, after the third or fourth such meeting she opined that I must be stalking her, as if the very fact that we’d met on multiple occasions in a short space of time meant that I was planning to burn her hair off and bury her on an allotment. Don’t get me wrong, the implication was completely friendly and meant as a joke, but there are 2 possible scenarios I can envisage coming from this when the wrong protagonists are involved:

- The ‘stalker’ actually is stalking the stalkee, albeit cack-handedly. Thinking the game is up, he burns her hair off and buries her on an allotment.

- The stalkee is actually a fully paid-up member of the Bunny Boilers club, and a smear campaign spreads throughout the company and surrounding areas quicker than you can say “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer”

Makes you think, doesn’t it? To the likes of me who revels in piss-taking and general bawdy humour (thank you, Davidson) this kind of mock accusation holds no water. But the more eccentric-minded on either side of the stalker/stalkee relationship could easily take things too far, and before you know it your neighbours are telling ITN that you were quiet but had a penchant for collecting dog dirt in jars in your cellar.