Buses: By appointment only

Far be it from me to offer sweeping generalisations on elements of society but sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.

Buses are shite.

First off, let me make it clear that I shun all public transport unless it's absolutely necessary. My opinions of the general public are probably obvious by now, so the 'opportunity' to ride with the Great Unintelligent is usually met by a short yet colourful response. That said, I'm as tight as a crab's arse at times, so when the Mrs and I were going into town the other weekend, I thought we'd give the chariot of the masses a go, simply because it's a great deal cheaper than the £10 a taxi ride costs.

We did the groundwork and visited a website with the bus times on it, and found that a suitable bus would be passing the end of our road at 18:52. "No problem" thunk I, as we are literally 2 minutes from the stop so we could amble out at quarter to with time aplenty. Already you can see where I'm going with this...

At twenty-to we realised we didn't have any change, so set off to the nearby corner shop to get the necessary funds. As we ventured from the shop to the bus stop a bus passed. "No problem" thought I for the second time in as many hours, "As it's only eighteen forty-seven, there's no way that could be our bus".

But of course, it was. For some reason, despite having a regularly updated website containing the arrival times at each stop on his journey, the bus driver (in his undoubtedly limited wisdom) got to our stop far too early. Instead of thinking "I'd better hang around until the expected arrival time in case people with better things to do are on their way" he promptly cruised past without a thought for potential passengers.

I managed to keep my blood from boiling even when we called their laughable 'Bus tracking' service to confirm if that was our bus. I say 'laughable' because the bus in question wasn't actually fitted with a tracker. Top marks there.

In the end we had to fork out full whack for a cab because the next bus was an hour away. Yes, it was more expensive and you're put in more danger than your average rally co-driver, but you get to your destination and, more importantly, they turn up when you ask them to (to a greater or lesser extent). I can't believe bus companies are currently in a boom time, with more passengers than they know what to do with, so it might be an idea for them to have a chat with their trigger-happy drivers and ask them to hang around long enough for passengers to actually get on.

Then again, that was the last time I'll be using a bus, so I couldn't care less if they expected you to leap on as it sped past, leaving you clinging onto the sides like an Indian train. Do what you need to do, bus-jockeys; you won't be getting my shiny pound from now on.