Bottom Gear. (It's a play on words)

I like Top Gear - I've never made a secret of that fact. It's easy to watch and entertaining (if slightly over-staged) fare. Three men in their late 30's to late 40's arse about with cars the way we all would if we had the chance. Like it or loathe it, we'd all like to chuck a Bugatti Veyron about or drop a piano on a Morris Marina. And that's a scientific fact.

The problem is, as usual the BBC have realised there's a strong following for one of their products and rather than sit back and allow it just to be a TV programme, they've started milking it for all it's worth, all the while spectacularly debasing the integrity of the show.

I'm talking of course about merchandise.

First off, they're bastardising the image of The Stig. Bear in mind that he's essentially a faceless bloke in a white racing suit and helmet, but there's all manner of tat bearing his featureless visage. Shower gel for fuck's sake; what's that got to do with Top Gear? Unless it's made out of Castrol GTX I can't see the link. There's even a book like 'Where's Wally' which is basically 'Where's the bloody Stig'. Who's gonna buy that? In 2 minutes I found him on the first 3 pages, so I doubt you'll get much mileage out of it once you've farted out your sprouts on Christmas Day.

That's bad enough, but today I actually saw a make-your-own Cool Wall. For those not in the know, that's where Richard Hammond and Jeremy Clarkson have a scrap about whether certain cars are cool or not, usually ending in Clarkson putting it quite high up on the board. You know, because he's taller than Hammond. Anyway, this build-your-own affair appears to consist of a fold-out piece of cardboard, crudely adorned with the TG logo. You've then got a few dozen stickers so you too can pretend you're on the BBC gravy train and show people what you think about the latest Daihatsu. What a sack of shit.

Lest we forget that we've already paid once for the programme to be made. Like I said, I really like the show, but we mustn't forget I've already stumped up my licence fee to make it possible, then they go and release a load of Krusty-esque turd, trying to make a quick buck off the back of its popularity. I'm sorry but that stinks.

Where will it end? Eastender's-branded Prozac? A Miranda joke book (it'd make a change)? Songs of Praise condoms? 'Le mind boggels' as the French might say.