'Up' rhymes with 'Up'. And 'Up'

Back in that halcyon summer of 1994 Scatman John (colloquially known as 'The Scatman'), released his seminal hit "I'm the Scatman". Never before in the history of the Internet has a sentence contained so many references to scat without attracting the attentions of the legal system.

I was at school when this stuttering masterpiece hit the airwaves, and despite its nonsensical lyrics, it pissed the Hit Parade and was number one in no time. Kids up and down the country were deemed socially acceptable if they could 'scat' like an American man in his 50's. The fact that the lyrics made no sense had little impact on our enjoyment of the record; we knew it wasn't a serious song and enjoyed it as such. Similarly 'Doop', by the creatively named 'Doop'; a right load of old rhubarb set to a Charleston beat which had schoolkids the length and breadth of this fair isle besotted with the word 'doop' for nearly 3 weeks.

Skip forward to the present day, and a group of chaps looking suspiciously like transsexuals have had a number one with their hit smash "Everybody in love". I'm told the band is called 'JLS' and that they emerged from X-Factor or somesuch, so you already know you're in safe hands musically. I happened upon this 'tune' last night and was staggered to hear the sheer craft in the lyrics. Bernie Taupin must shit himself when he reads the chorus:

Everybody in love, put your hands up
Everybody in love, put your hands up
Everybody in love, put your hands up
If you're in love, put your hands up

Fuck me, what's that about? I've shat better lyrics than that. As I stated above, the tunes we listened to growing up weren't all serious pieces of music, but I'm led to believe JLS are some kind of popular group, found sexually attractive by birds and respected within the industry. The fact that they came second to a woman who butchered 'Hallelujah' seems to be lost on today's youngsters, who'll happily part with 79p to download this twaddle from iTunes and listen to it on their Walkmans.

I have no issue with them pursuing their musical dream, but put a bit of effort in, eh? Maybe create rhyming couplets that aren't actually the exact same words repeated. And quite why putting your hands up if you're in love is required is beyond me, unless they're working for some kind of census company and are polling their fanbase (no jokes).

Presumably, most of today's songwriters are drawing inspiration from the music they grew up with, which makes such baffling tripe all the more surprising, given that they were likely to have listened to not only The Scatman, but East 17, Kylie Minogue, Peter Andre, Sinitta and The Outhere Brothers. If you've listened to "Toyboy" or "I should be so lucky" and still can't craft a decent lyric, then quite frankly you're dead inside.

Greetings of the season anyroad.