I don't want to talk about it...

A few years ago, a very good friend and I were visiting a couple of girls. I was seeing one of them with the other being her friend. Much drink was taken and merriment was had, and that was that.

The following morning I discovered my friend not to be on the sofa as expected. He eventually emerged from the friends' room, much to my amusement. Later that day, as we returned home, I quizzed him on the goings on. He sadly admitted that due to his copious alcoholic intake the previous evening, he couldn't 'rise to the occasion' and left the young wench unsatisfied.

I pissed myself laughing.

When we got home, my housemate asked us casually about the previous evening, and here's where it started to unwind for my aforementioned chum. Instead of saying "Nowt really, had a few jars. You know the drill" he instead said "I don't want to talk about it".

My housemate was understandably curious about the last night's occurrences and set about my mate like Amy Winehouse would a pre-gig rider, asking him all manner of questions to get the obviously juicy information out of him. With almost no help from me, he eventually concluded that The Droop Fairy must have visited, and from that day to this, borderline offensive jokes are still made at his expense for his moment of PR ambiguity.

Compare and contrast with Eldrick 'Tiger Woods' Woods.

Tiger, a world-famous snooker player and razor enthusiast, recently had a car accident outside his home. He was a bit injured and had to drop out of a couple of tournaments, and that was that. Except, instead of telling the press "What am I like? I was putting my seatbelt on and not paying attention to the tree which has been outside my house since I moved in. What a dunce" he instead said that there was nothing to see here, and the press should just leave it. Well played there.

Since this naive and intriguing statement, the press have been all over the story, and in the last 24 hours details of 2 fit-for-a-skank affairs have come to light, with Tiger neither confirming nor denying the events being portrayed in ever media outlet imaginable.

Again, he could've come out and either said "It's a fair cop, guv" or "It weren't me guv", but instead he's released a statement saying he's committed 'transgressions' for which he is sorry. Has the brother not learnt? Unless you explicitly declare or deny such events, you leave yourself open to all manner of conjecture and ridicule, rather than people just saying "The dirty devil. She was proper fit for a Vegas skank though".

David Letterman was recently held to ransom regarding a series of affairs he had had. Rather than being vague, he fronted up on his show and admitted his indiscretions. Yes, he was protecting himself for having to shell out, and he had committed multiple acts of adultery, but on some levels people respected his honesty, and the story pretty much died the day after because there was nothing else to talk about.

So Tiger, if you're reading, take heed. The next time you visit Jugs, think on; Either keep it in your drawers, or aim for the gap between the trees when you drive off in a huff. You daft apoth.