"MasterBullshitters" more like

For reasons that I'm too embarrassed to go into, I ended up sitting through an entire episode of over-dramatised cook-fest MasterChef last night.

Now, this programme - in various formats - has been around for years, where members of the general public, with a penchant for making quality grub battle it out to be crowned MasterChef. That is, the master of all available chefs.

Now, however, the whole thing seems to be an exercise in who is the most inept and/or who deals with stress in the worst manner. Bear in mind we're at the semi-final stage in this illustrious contest, this is what is saw with my mince pies (topical reference):

- They were asked to make some elaborate German pastry tower, and more than one of them confessed they'd never made pastry before. Don't forget this is MasterChef.
- One of the women had damaged herself with knives to such an extent that she had 2 entirely-plastered thumbs and had to operate a lot of the equipment with her palms. Don't forget this is MasterChef.
- When asked to prepare a series of sandwiches for afternoon tea, not one of them was ready in time. Don't forget this is MasterChef
- One of the contestants had to remake some biscuits after the fan oven (to my mind, one of the fundamental tools in a chef's armoury) literally blew the biscuits to pieces during the baking process. Don't forget...oh you know what point I'm labouring by now.

What am I missing? Why are such basic errors occurring at this stage of the contest? If it was the early rounds of the competition, I could understand the occasional chef succumbing to the pressure and accidentally make a dog turd tartlet, or lashing out at those fat lads looking over their shoulder with one of those extra sharp fish-gutting knives. Which leads me onto my next point...

Those two fat clowns who call themselves experts. Basically, a scientist took the sweat from Doctor "Neil" Fox, dissected its genetic make-up and reconstructed it in two equal measures to form John Torode and Greg Wallace. They then added a sense of self-worth to both which I've seldom seen outside of The Only Way Is Essex. They spend the entire show either talking to the director (utilising the staple tool in cooking programmes - the 'talk to the director off-camera rather that the fucking audience' routine) or make snide comments while these very unmasterly chefs shit their pants making egg and chips. One can only assume that the drama isn't all that dramatic, so these dicks ramp up the pressure by going "come on, only ten minutes to boil that partridge" and "eugh, that smells like wank" while the chefs secretly harbour intentions to cook their fat heads if they don't back off.

Ultimately, this isn't my cup of tea, viewing-wise, but surely I'm not the only one who's noticed that these chefs are not even remotely masterful? Maybe they should change the format, and call it 'Britains's got chefs' or 'Chef Idol', and get Jono Coleman and Linda Lusardi to present it. At least then the baying idiots who call themselves viewers won't be hoodwinked into thinking there's a modicum of skill on display.