Keep it under your hat, but there's a rumour going round that a member of the royal family is about to get married. I know - talk about a turn up for the books!
Back in November, when one of the least surprising stories of all time broke (balding man weds first fit-as-frig woman what takes an interest in his legacy), I made the point that some news outlets may go into meltdown as the final preparations take place and I begin work on a hole into which to climb during the whole charade. Alas, I was only half right. Yes, there has been wall-to-wall coverage, but it begun with more than a month to go.
"""""Highlights""""" include:
- Plotting Kate's every movement, using the clothes she is wearing to second-guess the dress she'll wear on the big day.
- Notable fashionistas designing their own versions of said dress, clearly arsed about not being given the gig.
- Novelty playing cards depicting the big day, which deteriorate into stock royal footage before you've got the to end of the spades.
- A serious documentary charting the everyday lives of people who are related to Kate Middleton. To think people not from royal stock have actual jobs. Amazing scenes.
- A correspondent outside Buck Palace 10 DAYS before the ceremony, watching the horses practicing and passing judgement on the street cleaning (bear in mind several thousands people charged up there on Sunday during the marathon. That's a lot of poo).
- Daily updates on Kate's weight.
- Invitations to street parties and people getting upset because their application to host one has been turned down.
- All manner of channels fighting for your viewing figure when it all finally kicks off.
My stance hasn't altered, you'll be surprised to learn. Good for them, I say, as they tie the knot. The thing is, it's got knob all to do with 99.9 percent of the population, so why we have to have every second of the day (and a lot of those leading up to it) broadcast on a continuous loop is beyond me. I get that some people like to see a nice frock and people being happy, but surely a comprehensive highlights package in the evening with Steve Claridge and Jennie Bond would be more than enough to get the point across?
If I was Kate, I would pull rank to see what would happen. Tell hubbie-to-be that under no circumstances is it to be broadcast live, and watch as 'Wills' charges about trying to get his gran to ring Rupert Murdoch to pull the plug, and for Nicholas Witchell to be topped before he's had a chance to put his wedding suit on.
Personally, I'm hoping for a good day weather-wise. Not for them, but for me, so I can sit in the garden, drinking beer in a right royal sulk. And if that isn't in the spirit of a Public Holiday, then excuse me for being too real.
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