How Politics Works

I’m not somebody who you could class as actively interested in politics (in fact, the phrase ‘couldn’t give a shiny shite’ is oft-quoted regarding my political views). In fairness, I’ve only been a tax-paying fully-employed member of society during the latest Labour government, but having listened to the to-ing and fro-ing between them and the Tories over the years, it’s clear that no matter who’s in power, my life will barely change on a day-to-day level, if at all.

That said, I have picked up a lot of information about the complication machinations of politics and government, and with your permission, I’ll lay them out in my own inimitable style (i.e. with a liberal use of childish swear words and knob gags)

GOVERNMENT POLICIES
The mainstay of government seems to be policies, laws and the like. What with the credit crunch and society crumbling around our ears, barely a day goes by without Labour coming up with a new scheme or initiative. This is how it works:

Labour Minister: “Yeah, so in relation to the ongoing issue what we’re currently debating, our course of action would be to X, Y and Z, with a ban on A and a public enquiry on B”

Tory Shadow Minister: “Nah. It’s bollocks, that. We’d do it in exactly the opposite way, despite it appearing that their way is the only sensible way to proceed”

Lib Dem Person: “Can I have a biscuit?”

PRIME MINISTER'S QUESTIONS
This is a weekly opportunity for David Cameron to have a right old pop at Gordon Brown, while each side’s front bench cronies nod and laugh along despite the put-downs and word play being at best piss-poor. This is interspersed with a load of fat, drunk back-benchers in identical grey suits roaring and waving pieces of paper at predetermined intervals.

Cameron: “I put it to the Right Honourable Gentleman that not only has he failed in his policy to rid society of such-and-such, but he is also a skunk-breathed crap hound”

TORY ROAR OF APPROVAL WITH PAPER-WAVING

Brown: “I don’t think so”

DERISORY LAUGHTER FROM COLLEAGUES

Cameron: “All I’m asking is that my Right Honourable colleague admits he made a mistake”

Brown: “Er, doubtful”

Cameron: "Your mother"

Brown: "Don't make me come over there"

MORE ROARING

Speaker: “Knock it off, the pair of you”

Brown: “He started it”

Speaker: “I don’t care who started it, I’ll bang your bloody heads together in a minute. Do we have any questions from you non-important MP’s at the back”

Non-important MP: “Yes, I wonder if the Right Honourable Leader might consider the plight of Mrs. Ethel Pavestone, who lives more that a quarter mile from her nearest post box and can’t send her pools coupon in a timely manner”

Brown: “I’m afraid I don’t have the details of this particular case to hand, but I ensure my Right Honourable colleague that I’ll look into it in due course. I’ll just make a note of it on my imaginary typewriter”

Clegg: “Can I have a go at being in charge? Go on, I’ll be dead careful”

And you wonder why we’re in such trouble…