“We don’t need another hero” squawked bow-legged quasi-man Tina Turner on the track of the same name. Unfortunately, Welsh hairspray fan and former roofer Bonnie Tyler barked “I’m holding out for a hero”, so now I don’t know what to think.
What I do know is, when you’re in bother, be it physical, financial or fire-related, you want someone with the balls and rescue skills to pile in and dig you out of the shit. Not necessarily some muscle-bound goon clad in lycra, sporting a name with an animal in it (Goatman, Weaslewoman, etc), but someone who nonetheless knows what to do in times of peril.
In my humble opinion, it’s great to be rescued, but it’s even better to be rescued by someone with a quality name.
Step forward Captain Chesley Sullenberger III
That’s a name, that. If you didn’t know, CCS III was the pilot who successfully landed his Airbus in the Hudson River when it suffered simultaneous birdstrike to 2 engines and gave up on the old flying lark. His quick thinking and decisive action undoubtedly saved the lives of over 150 people. Looking at the overhead map, the river takes up a tiny percentage of the Manhattan floor space, so landing a jet in there is akin to threading a needle with boxing gloves. Thank the lord we had old Sully at the controls.
Now, don’t get me wrong. There are almost certainly loads of pilots out there perfectly capable of carrying out a similar manoeuvre and saving 150-odd lives, but there’s something about the name Captain Chesley Sullenberger III that makes you think “Yeah, he’s the kind of man I want in charge of this plane. If the shit hits the fan (or birds hit the engine), he’ll know what to do”.
So sorry to all the Tony Jones’ and Len Smiths out there, but your names are rubbish. If you want people to take you seriously, get your moniker changed to something more daring and sexy before it’s too late. That said, if you’re a wiener who’d rather see 153 people plunge to their icy death, leave it as it is. It’s your call.
Yours,
Handsome B. Wonderful
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